MARCH 25, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Giants May Relocate to New Jersey. Impact: If the Giants had moved to Jersey, the state would have become the go-to destination for sports fans, leading to an explosion of pizza and tailgating culture, and possibly the creation of a new breed of Jerseyite who can recite player stats while performing a perfect fist pump.. Fact: New Jersey is the only state where you can get a speeding ticket while sitting in traffic at a Giants game..
• Headline: Cleveland Awaits the End of the Line. Impact: Cleveland's presumed doom led to a renaissance of irony, where people began visiting just to say they survived the end of the line, fostering a bizarre tourism boom based on despair.. Fact: Cleveland's slogan could be, 'At least we’re not as bad as you think!'.
• Headline: Nixon's Fund Impounding Controversy. Impact: Nixon's fund impounding caused a ripple effect of mistrust in government spending, ultimately leading to modern-day conspiracy theories about aliens funding our infrastructure.. Fact: Senator Mathias once tried to impound a pizza; it did not end well..
• Headline: ARGENTINA LIFTS CEILING ON WAGES. Impact: By lifting the wage ceiling, Argentina inadvertently set off a global trend of labor movements, where people in other countries started wondering if they too should be paid more than just 'exposure.'. Fact: Argentina's economy is like a tango: sometimes upbeat, sometimes a disaster, but always dramatic..
• Headline: State Help Sought.. Impact: Chase's plea for tighter cost controls might have been the catalyst for every New Yorker to become an expert in budgeting, leading to an entire generation of people who can stretch a dollar like it’s a yoga class.. Fact: New Yorkers spend more on coffee than the average person spends on rent. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: CONVERSION EASED BY ISRAELI RABBIS. Impact: By easing conversion procedures, Israeli Rabbis opened the door for interfaith families, which eventually resulted in a new genre of sitcoms about awkward family dinners.. Fact: Jewish holidays often involve more food than any conversion process can handle..
• Headline: SENATE BARS FUNDS FOR SST, 51‐46; NIXON CALLS VOTE ‘SEVERE BLOW’. Impact: Nixon's SST funding rejection led to a surge in the aerospace job market elsewhere, resulting in a group of unemployed engineers who later started a lucrative consulting firm specializing in 'how to avoid government contracts.'. Fact: The SST might have been faster than a regular plane, but it certainly wasn't faster than political red tape..
• Headline: Mexico City Gets Tough New Law Against Pollution. Impact: Mexico City's tough new pollution laws sparked a global movement towards environmental responsibility, leading to the birth of hipster cafes that serve only organic, locally-sourced, air-filtered kale smoothies.. Fact: The only thing more toxic than Mexico City's pollution in the 70s was the fashion—never forget those polyester suits!.