MARCH 12, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Vietnam Cover-Up Exposed by Military Charges. Impact: The accusations against these officers set off a chain reaction leading to the eventual fall of the Vietnam War narrative in American politics. This led to a generation of conspiracy theorists who believed that the 'truth' about Vietnam was hidden under layers of bureaucratic lies and bad haircuts.. Fact: It's a little-known fact that the only thing harder to cover up than war crimes is a bad haircut during the 70s..
• Headline: Fordham vs. Columbia Football Rivalry in 1972. Impact: This game inadvertently sparked a rivalry so intense that it led to the creation of a secret society dedicated to ensuring the football teams never play on a Tuesday, for reasons only they understand.. Fact: Fordham and Columbia football teams have been so bad over the years that their games could double as a sleep aid..
• Headline: Dog Wins Right to Stay in NYC Apartment. Impact: This landmark ruling sent shockwaves through the real estate world, leading to a future where cats demanded the same rights, resulting in an endless series of legal battles over 'feline residency' that still plague the courts today.. Fact: Cats still maintain that they own the apartment regardless of the lease agreement, and they're probably right..
• Headline: Mrs. Gandhi Wins Parliament Majority. Impact: Her victory didn't just change the political landscape of India; it also inspired countless Bollywood films where the heroine triumphs against all odds, leading to an era of melodrama that still influences cinema today.. Fact: Mrs. Gandhi’s political prowess was so legendary that if she were around today, she’d probably have her own reality show titled 'Real Politicians of India.'.
• Headline: GERMAN IS SUED BY PENN CENTRAL. Impact: This lawsuit created a financial ripple effect, leading to a series of courtroom dramas that would inspire future legal shows, where lawyers dramatically argue over money that probably should have stayed in the trust fund.. Fact: If anything, this case proves that financial shenanigans are timeless—like a bad soap opera that keeps getting renewed..
• Headline: The Screen. Impact: This reprint led to a resurgence in film criticism that produced countless pretentious articles referencing obscure French films and made everyone feel slightly smarter while discussing something they barely understood.. Fact: In an ironic twist, most film critics would rather be reviewing cat videos than any actual film, proving that the true art form is really just feline antics..
• Headline: Irate Newswomen Protest as 8 Others Interview President. Impact: This protest sparked a movement for gender equality in journalism, resulting in a future where newsrooms are filled with women who not only ask the tough questions but also know how to operate a coffee machine.. Fact: The protest was so effective that it inspired a new rule: if you're going to interview the president, you must include at least one person who knows how to ask questions without tripping over their own ego..
• Headline: Defendant in Hijacking Case Shot Outside Brooklyn Home. Impact: This tragic event underscored the dangers of a criminal lifestyle, leading to an increase in cautionary tales and crime dramas that made everyone believe they could outsmart the system, only to find themselves binge-watching from their couches.. Fact: It's a sobering reality: crime doesn't pay, but it does make for some riveting television..
• Headline: U.S. Hijacker May Go Free. Impact: This legal loophole inspired future hijackers to consider their options, thinking they could just charm their way out of jail with a smile and a catchy catchphrase, which never really worked out well.. Fact: If only the hijacker had known that 'legal technicalities' are the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card—just without the fun of Monopoly..