FEBRUARY 24, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Laos Action Report Breakdown. Impact: The report sparked an international obsession with 'Laotian chic', leading to a bizarre fashion trend in the 70s where people wore safari hats and camo pants to brunch.. Fact: Laos is the only landlocked country in Southeast Asia, which is fitting because it often gets left out of the conversation—sort of like that one friend who shows up late to every party..
• Headline: Senators Investigate Beer Oversupply Scandal. Impact: This event led to the creation of the 'National Oversupply of Beer Day,' which is celebrated every year by people who think 'supporting our troops' means drinking excessively.. Fact: Beer has been around for thousands of years, but apparently, senators have only just discovered its alluring qualities. Cheers to delayed gratification!.
• Headline: Critique of Accounting Principles Board's Role. Impact: The uproar caused a butterfly effect that eventually led to the invention of the phrase 'creative accounting,' which is just a fancy way of saying 'we're totally making this up as we go along.'. Fact: Accounting is often referred to as the 'language of business.' So, if you ever feel lost in a conversation about finances, just nod and say, 'I’m fluent in calculator.'.
• Headline: City Planning Convention Center. Impact: The scaled-down plans for the convention center resulted in the birth of many more scaled-down expectations in urban development—because who needs grand visions when you can have mediocre ones?. Fact: Convention centers are often described as the 'soul of a city.' If that's true, then we’re all in trouble because they mostly host awkward business meetings and trade shows..
• Headline: A Hint of Superheavy Elements Found. Impact: The discovery ignited a global race to synthesize heavier and heavier elements, culminating in the creation of the infamous Element 119—known as 'Elephantium,' which is said to cause extreme clumsiness if you're around it.. Fact: Element 112, like most superheavy elements, is unstable and decays quickly. Kind of like my motivation to go to the gym after the holidays..
• Headline: A Jersey Legislator Cited on Bar Ethics; 2d Guilty in U.S. Suit. Impact: This incident catalyzed a nationwide crackdown on unethical practices in local governments, leading to the establishment of 'Ethics Awareness Month'—which, ironically, is ignored by most politicians.. Fact: Lawyers have a reputation for bending the rules, but let’s be honest: they’re just playing the world’s longest game of legal Twister..
• Headline: 2 BRITONS ASSAIL BILL ON JET NOISE. Impact: The uproar over jet noise led to a series of international treaties on noise pollution, which eventually resulted in the Quiet Plane Initiative—where planes are required to be as quiet as a mouse on a stealth mission.. Fact: Noise pollution is often overlooked, but it can affect your health. Just like listening to your neighbor’s karaoke on a Saturday night..
• Headline: Union College Raises Tuition. Impact: This tuition hike started a nationwide trend of students taking up extreme couponing, leading to the creation of wildly popular online courses about how to survive on ramen noodles.. Fact: College tuition has increased so much that one could argue it’s the only thing that’s inflation-proof—seriously, how do you inflate a balloon that’s already at bursting point?.