FEBRUARY 11, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Church Fights Mining Project Shareholder Vote. Impact: The church's opposition to mining somehow led to a global trend of people hugging trees instead of mining them. Now everyone thinks every tree holds the secrets of the universe. Spoiler alert: they don't.. Fact: Did you know that churches have historically opposed many things? Like, oh, I don't know, pretty much everything fun?.
• Headline: Railroad Financial Crisis and Funding Bids. Impact: The bid for railroad funds set off a chain reaction that eventually led to the creation of Disney's 'The Little Engine That Could', inspiring countless children to believe in the power of optimism over financial reality.. Fact: Fun fact: railroads were once the backbone of the economy. Now, they’re just a great place to take selfies with old trains..
• Headline: Teen Victory in Auto Licensing Lawsuit. Impact: This 16-year-old winning a lawsuit on his auto license led to the eventual creation of 'Teen Drivers: The Reality Show', where viewers could witness the chaotic joyrides of unprepared adolescents.. Fact: Did you know that teenagers are statistically the worst drivers? But hey, they sure do love their TikTok videos while behind the wheel!.
• Headline: Rockets Fired Into Pnompenh. Impact: Rockets fired into Phnom Penh caused a massive increase in the popularity of ducking and cover drills. Schools across the globe still teach kids this fun little dance whenever they hear a loud noise.. Fact: Fun fact: Nothing says 'welcome to your new home' quite like rockets raining down on you. Cambodia really knows how to throw a party..
• Headline: Democratic Rivals Agree Not to Feud In Presidency Bids. Impact: The agreement not to feud led to a long-lasting era of political debates where candidates would only compliment each other, resulting in the most boring election cycles in history. Thanks, guys!. Fact: Did you know that political debates used to be fiery? Now, it's just a bunch of folks nodding and saying, 'Good point!' How riveting..
• Headline: G.I.'s Report Fighting. Impact: The denial of troops entering Laos sparked an intense game of 'telephone' that reached the Pentagon, leading to some very confused generals thinking they were playing a video game instead of managing a war.. Fact: Fun fact: communication in war can be a bit like a bad game of telephone. 'No, I said artillery, not party!'.
• Headline: Troops Frisky as They Entered Laos. Impact: Troops entering Laos and the subsequent need for bombings led to a boom in the 'War Tourism' industry years later, where people could pay to tour former battlefields—complete with reenactments and souvenir shrapnel.. Fact: Did you know that wars often lead to tourism? Nothing like a good battlefield to attract history buffs and thrill-seekers alike!.
• Headline: CAMBODIAN CHIEF SUFFERS A STROKE. Impact: The Cambodian chief's stroke shifted the political landscape, leading to a series of power struggles that were ultimately turned into the plot of a soap opera. Everyone loves a good medical drama!. Fact: Fun fact: strokes can really change the course of history—just ask any soap opera writer..
• Headline: More Blacks in Suburbs, but Ratio Stays Stable. Impact: The stable ratio of Black individuals in the suburbs inadvertently led to the creation of the hipster coffee shop scene, where artisanal lattes and avocado toast became the new suburban staple.. Fact: Did you know that suburban life is now synonymous with overpriced coffee and gluten-free muffins? Thanks for raising our property values!.
• Headline: Laotian General Said to Ask for Reinforcements. Impact: The Laotian general's request for reinforcements initiated a never-ending cycle of military requests that eventually led to the invention of the 'Military-Request-For-Reinforcements' form, which is still used today—just with more paperwork.. Fact: Fun fact: military bureaucracy is so advanced that they have forms for forms. It's like Inception, but with more paperwork..