FEBRUARY 9, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Students Challenge Klein on Laos Policy. Impact: After this intense questioning, Klein decided to become a motivational speaker, leading to the rise of a new generation of overly enthusiastic college speakers. Now, every time you hear a student yell, 'But what about Laos?', just know it all started here.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'angry college students' predates social media by at least a few decades? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Explosions Damage Cars in Athens Suburbs. Impact: The explosions led to an unexpected boom in the insurance industry, inspiring a new slogan: 'Why drive safely when you can just drive?' And thus, the cautious driver was forever lost to history.. Fact: Fun fact: those cars were probably the only thing in Athens to have a worse day than the average Greek citizen in an economic downturn..
• Headline: Natural Poison Prevention Week Established. Impact: Nixon's declaration of Natural Poison Prevention Week inadvertently sparked a nationwide obsession with organic food. Who knew that preventing poison would lead to a kale craze 50 years later?. Fact: Natural Poison Prevention Week was just a fancy title for 'Don’t eat that mysterious mushroom you found in your backyard.'.
• Headline: SONG RECITAL GIVEN BY EVE ROBINSON. Impact: Eve Robinson's recital inspired countless aspiring musicians to pick up their instruments, leading to a generation of garage bands that would later become a nuisance to neighbors everywhere.. Fact: The premiere of 'Among the Green' is rumored to have caused at least three cases of existential crises among listeners wondering if they were truly 'among the green' or just in a park..
• Headline: Judge and 2 Dairymen Indicted in Bankruptcy Case. Impact: The indictment sent shockwaves through the dairy industry, leading to a nationwide debate about the ethics of milk. As a result, lactose intolerance became a trendy excuse for avoiding awkward family dinners.. Fact: Turns out that the phrase 'Don't cry over spilled milk' was originally intended for judges facing bankruptcy cases. Who knew?.
• Headline: Heavy Enemy Fire Reported. Impact: This report sparked a series of strategic military meetings that would ultimately lead to a decades-long debate about the effectiveness of helicopters versus good old-fashioned boots on the ground. Spoiler alert: boots win.. Fact: The downed helicopter pilot later became a motivational speaker, proving that sometimes the best way to get ahead is to be shot down first..
• Headline: Plan to Cut Enemy's Lines in Laos Long Rejected, Was. Revived 3 Months Ago. Impact: When this plan was revived, it caused a ripple effect of military strategies and counter-strategies that would be studied in war colleges for decades to come, proving once again that procrastination in the military can have explosive results.. Fact: This plan's revival is a classic case of 'If at first you don't succeed, wait three months and try again,' which is a surprisingly popular mantra in military history..
• Headline: Condemnation in Paris. Impact: The condemnation led to diplomatic tensions that inspired future generations of diplomats to come up with more creative ways to express their discontent, including the now-famous French shrug.. Fact: The Paris peace talks proved that nothing says 'we're serious about peace' quite like a joint condemnation while sipping espresso..
• Headline: China Charges Provocation. Impact: This charge of provocation led to a series of diplomatic spats that ultimately resulted in the creation of international 'complaint departments' for countries. Now every nation has a way to file a grievance without actually solving anything.. Fact: China's idea of 'grave provocation' is just a fancy way of saying, 'We didn't like that, and we’re definitely going to talk about it.' A lot..
• Headline: Geneva Accord Excerpts. Impact: The excerpts from the Geneva Accords were so dry that they inspired generations of historians to develop the art of 'making dull documents sound interesting.' Thanks to them, we now have podcasts.. Fact: The Geneva Accords are the ultimate proof that even agreements can be boring; they were the original 'Netflix and chill' for diplomats..