FEBRUARY 8, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: No Troops in Laos, Pentagon Asserts. Impact: The Pentagon's denial of G.I.s in Laos led to the most extensive game of 'Where's Waldo?' in military history, eventually leading to the iconic phrase 'No comment' becoming the official motto of government agencies.. Fact: Fun fact: The Pentagon's statements are often as reliable as a weather forecast from a psychic octopus..
• Headline: Yugoslav Sailor's Distress Sparks White House Attention. Impact: This sailor's quest for a good time sparked a diplomatic frenzy, leading to the establishment of the 'Look at the Girls' Summit, where world leaders discuss the importance of leisure and local bar etiquette.. Fact: Apparently, seeking female companionship can escalate to international diplomacy. Who knew a bar could be a hotspot for foreign relations?.
• Headline: Saigon Strikes Laos Supply Line. Impact: The S Vietnamese incursion into Laos set off a chain reaction that led to an increase in military 'self-defense' tactics, eventually inspiring a new line of self-help books for politicians called 'How to Justify Your Actions in 10 Easy Steps.'. Fact: Nguyen Van Thieu must have thought he was auditioning for a role in an action movie, where the hero justifies every explosion as 'legitimate self-defense.'.
• Headline: Poles Suspend Gomulka From Highest. Party Body. Impact: Gomulka's suspension from the Polish Central Committee triggered a domino effect of party oustings, which somehow led to the invention of Polish pierogi as a comfort food for displaced politicians.. Fact: In Poland, the political landscape changes faster than you can say 'pierogi,' sometimes even faster than a political party can change its name..
• Headline: Text of Thieu's Message on Laos Drive. Impact: Thieu's message about the Laos drive became a textbook example for future leaders on how to craft a speech that sounds important while essentially saying nothing of substance.. Fact: Politicians have mastered the art of saying a lot while meaning very little, which is a skill that has only improved with age—like fine wine, or cheese left out in the sun..
• Headline: ARE SPY CHARGE DENIED BY BOARD. Impact: O'Brien's spy charge revelation led to a nationwide game of 'Who's Watching You?' that sparked the creation of privacy laws, although everyone secretly knows that your phone is always listening.. Fact: Senator Ervin's hearings could easily have been mistaken for a reality TV show, featuring backstabbing, drama, and enough tension to make a soap opera jealous..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The publication of 'The Merry Month of May' coincided with a rise in springtime optimism, leading to a dramatic increase in flower sales and a peculiar spike in spontaneous picnics.. Fact: Jones' book title is a reminder that not every month of the year can be merry—just wait until you reach tax season..
• Headline: POWER OFF 4 HOURS. Impact: The blackout in Manhattan led to a surge in candle sales and a nationwide trend of romantic dinners by candlelight, giving birth to the phrase 'Thanks, Con Ed, for the best date night ever!'. Fact: New Yorkers learned that the best way to bond with your neighbors is through shared darkness and the occasional looting of the local corner store..
• Headline: Y.M.C.A. Council Picks New Executive Director. Impact: The appointment of a new executive director at the YMCA marked the beginning of a golden age of aquatics and questionable workout regimes, resulting in the rise of spandex as a fashion statement.. Fact: YMCA leadership changes are the secret ingredient in the recipe for the 'vaguely enthusiastic' community center vibe..
• Headline: Guard Is Ordered to Wilmington, N.C.. Impact: The racial violence in Wilmington, NC marked a tragic turning point that sparked ongoing discussions about race relations, leading to decades of protests, movements, and the occasional awkward family dinner.. Fact: The history of racial violence reminds us that sometimes, progress takes longer than expected, and healing can feel like a never-ending marathon..