FEBRUARY 4, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: General Westmoreland's Visit to Ethiopia. Impact: Gen Westmoreland's visit to Ethiopia sparked a chain reaction where every subsequent U.S. military leader felt they needed to visit far-flung countries to justify their existence. Now we have generals in places that require more sunscreen than strategy.. Fact: Did you know that Westmoreland was a major player in the Vietnam War? It's ironic that he was in Ethiopia, where the biggest battle was probably over who gets to use the last piece of injera..
• Headline: Moscow Critiques U.S. Defense Spending. Impact: Moscow's outrage over the U.S. arms budget resulted in a series of arms races that eventually led to the Cold War becoming a hot mess of competing military parades. Who knew that escalating budgets could lead to escalating tensions?. Fact: Pravda wasn't just a newspaper; it was basically the original Twitter for Soviet propaganda. Every headline was like a trending topic but with less cat videos..
• Headline: Hobart Trial Examines Campus Conduct Rules. Impact: The trial's findings on campus conduct led to countless universities tightening their rules, resulting in a generation of students who thought 'freedom' meant freedom to binge-watch Netflix instead of attending class.. Fact: Fun fact: L.N. Armer probably had more rules to navigate than a cat trying to sneak past a vacuum cleaner..
• Headline: Students and Strikers Clash With Manila Police Again. Impact: The violent clash between students and police in Manila was the spark that led to future generations of activists realizing that throwing stones at the police is not the best way to win hearts and minds. But hey, at least they got a story to tell!. Fact: It's often said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but apparently, in Manila, students thought rocks were a better alternative. Who knew geology was part of the curriculum?.
• Headline: Scribner Would Let Girls Play Against Boys in Some Sports. Impact: Scribner's recommendation to allow girls to compete with boys in sports set off a wave of 'gender equality' debates that eventually led us to the present day, where a TikTok dance-off can be more competitive than any high school sports game.. Fact: It's great that girls were allowed to compete in noncontact sports, but I wonder if anyone thought about the contact sports. Imagine a girl tackling a boy in football—now that's a reality show waiting to happen..
• Headline: HOUSE DEMOCRATS UPHOLD SENIORITY BY30‐VOTE MARGIN. Impact: House Democrats upholding seniority meant that the older generation remained firmly in power, leading to decades of political inertia. It’s like watching a really slow game of musical chairs where the music never stops.. Fact: Senior politicians are like fine wine; they just get older and more expensive, but nobody really wants to drink them..
• Headline: Badillo Wins His Battle on House Committee Assignment, but Mrs. Abzug Loses. Impact: Badillo's committee assignment victory over Abzug represents the classic political maneuvering that would eventually lead to the rise of reality TV stars in politics. Because if you can do it on TV, why not do it on Capitol Hill?. Fact: Rumor has it that Badillo's victory speech included a dramatic pause, a mic drop, and a promise to never wear matching socks again..
• Headline: Text of Connally Fee Pact. Impact: The Connally fee pact text was probably so dry that it made the Sahara Desert look like a water park. This event likely led to many future politicians realizing that complex agreements should come with a user manual.. Fact: The Connally fee pact sounds like something you’d sign at a car dealership—but instead of a car, you just get a lifetime of headaches..
• Headline: EGYPTIANS AGREE TO EXTEND TRUCE FOR MONTH MORE. Impact: The extension of the truce for another month was a classic case of 'let's just drag this on a little longer'—a tactic that would eventually inspire future peace talks that could last longer than a soap opera season.. Fact: The UAR agreeing to a truce is like agreeing to go on a diet; both sound great in theory but usually end in disappointment and a lot of regret..