JANUARY 21, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Executioner Triumphs in Hibiscus Stakes. Impact: When Executioner won the Hibiscus Stakes, he inadvertently inspired future generations of horses to take their careers more seriously. This led to a rise in equine motivational seminars, complete with pep talks and carrot cake rewards. Fact: Most horses prefer their names to be more original than just 'Executioner'. But hey, you do you, buddy.
• Headline: Big Bands Swing on Griffin Show. Impact: The nostalgic swing of J Gould’s show inadvertently caused a resurgence in 1940s fashion. Now, countless people are stuck wearing high-waisted trousers and fedoras, thinking they’re cooler than they really are. Fact: Fun fact: The Big Band era was so big that even your grandparents might have had a swing dance-off... or two... in their living room.
• Headline: Ogden Phipps Re-Elected as Jockey Club Chairman. Impact: Ogden Phipps being re-elected as Chairman of the Jockey Club set off a chain reaction leading to the establishment of more horse races, which eventually led to the invention of horse racing video games. Yes, now you can lose money without even leaving your couch!. Fact: The Jockey Club: where every meeting is a race to see who can nod off first.
• Headline: Court Hears Plea to Bar Army Spying on Civilians. Impact: The ACLU's plea against army spying on civilians sparked a nationwide debate on privacy that ultimately led to every person thinking their phone was listening to them all the time. Thanks, ACLU, for opening the door to our paranoid future!. Fact: Did you know? The Army's intelligence reports were just a list of everyone who ever attended a protest. Spoiler: it was a lot.
• Headline: Mexico Names Envoy to U.S.. Impact: When J J de Olloqui was named the Mexican ambassador to the U.S., he unwittingly opened the floodgates for diplomatic taco Tuesdays, ensuring that no political negotiation could ever be taken seriously again. Fact: Fun fact: The taco is the only food known to unite nations and cause international disputes at the same time.
• Headline: LANDMARKS UNIT OPPOSED MUSEUM. Impact: The Landmarks Preservation Commission’s opposition to the museum design inadvertently triggered a global trend in bad museum architecture. Now, every city has at least one ugly building that locals claim is 'artistic'. Fact: In a shocking twist, the Temple of Dendur still looks better than most proposed modern museum designs.
• Headline: 10 Years After the Kennedy Inaugural, a Political Belief Survives. Impact: The political belief stemming from the Kennedy inaugural might have led to several misguided attempts to resurrect political dynasties, setting the stage for a never-ending cycle of 'who's next in line'. Spoiler alert: it’s always someone with the last name Kennedy. Fact: 10 years later, the only thing more persistent than this political belief is your neighbor’s unsolicited advice on how to fix your lawn.
• Headline: Britain Wins Compromise On Arms for South Africa. Impact: Britain's arms compromise with South Africa led to the idea that diplomacy could solve everything, right before it caused a whole new wave of 'just kidding' moments in international relations. Fact: Fun fact: Compromise is just another word for 'let's pretend everything's fine until it isn't'.