JANUARY 14, 1971

Full News Archive

• Headline: Monmouth College Elects New President. Impact: The election of Dean Stonesifer as president might have resulted in a ripple of academic excellence at Monmouth College, leading to a generation of students who would later write a best-selling novel about their time there—spoiler alert: it was just about naps.. Fact: Did you know that Monmouth College is where future legends are born? Or at least where future people who might be legends are born? It’s all in the details..
• Headline: G.O.P. Proposes Tax Sharing Amendment. Impact: This tax-sharing measure could have set a precedent for future government funding debates, leading to a world where politicians actually agree on things. Just kidding, that’s not happening anytime soon.. Fact: Did you know that tax-sharing measures are basically like sharing a pizza? Everyone wants a slice, but somehow, someone always ends up with pineapple..
• Headline: Eligible Unemployed Urged To Register for Benefits. Impact: Encouraging the unemployed to register could have sparked a nationwide movement of job seekers—leading to the creation of LinkedIn. Now, everyone can skillfully avoid job applications while posting vacation pics.. Fact: Did you know that registering for unemployment is the only time you can feel like standing in line at the DMV is a fun outing? Who knew bureaucracy could be thrilling!.
• Headline: Alaska Pipeline Is Upheld By Interior Agency Study. Impact: The decision to uphold the Alaska Pipeline could have prompted a chain reaction of environmental disasters that made everyone suddenly really care about climate change—oh wait, that didn’t happen until decades later.. Fact: Did you know that environmentalists and oil tycoons have been playing a game of tug-of-war since the dawn of time? Spoiler: the oil tycoons always seem to win..
• Headline: BOMBS RIP HOME OF AIDE IN BRITAIN. Impact: This incident might have ushered in an era of heightened security, prompting the creation of 'bomb-proof' homes that are still just really expensive fortresses for people who hate their neighbors.. Fact: Did you know that bombings at politicians' homes used to be a rare occurrence? Now they just have their own reality TV shows. What a time to be alive!.
• Headline: 3D‐PARTY BACKING RESTRICTED ON L.I.. Impact: Restricting third-party support might have led to a more homogeneous political landscape, resulting in a future where everyone just votes for the lesser of two evils. Oh joy, progress!. Fact: Did you know that the best way to ensure everyone hates politics is to limit their choices? Bravo, Suffolk County leaders; you really nailed it!.
• Headline: Chad to Get Soviet Station. Impact: The establishment of a Soviet station in Chad could have dramatically altered global surveillance tactics, leading to a world where everyone is convinced that their toaster is spying on them.. Fact: Did you know that satellite observation stations are basically the ultimate 'I see you' in the game of international relations? Thanks for keeping an eye on us, USSR!.
• Headline: 4 BECOME JUDGES OF CRIMINAL COURT. Impact: The swearing in of four judges could have initiated a new era of fair trials and justice for all—or at least made the courtroom a little more crowded with people pretending to know legal jargon.. Fact: Did you know that becoming a judge is the only job where you can wear a robe and still look professional? Talk about a fashion win!.