DECEMBER 19, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Angela Davis Appeals Overturned by US Courts. Impact: The failed appeals led to a longer struggle for civil rights, which eventually inspired countless future activists to take up the mantle, and probably a few bad biopics along the way. Fact: Angela Davis’s story is so compelling that it’s been retold more times than a bad game of telephone—only with more social justice and fewer misunderstandings.
• Headline: Lee Remick Ties the Knot in London. Impact: This union may not have changed the world, but it did give Hollywood a reason to throw a party—because nothing says 'eternal love' like a Hollywood wedding followed by an inevitable divorce. Fact: Lee Remick was not just an actress but also a master of the dramatic pause—she could make a moment feel like an eternity, especially at the altar.
• Headline: HOUSE PANEL ASKS SENIORITY REFORM. Impact: This call for reform could have led to a fresh influx of ideas in Congress, but instead, it’s just one more reminder that Congress loves to talk about change without actually changing anything. Fact: In politics, seniority is like being the last kid picked for dodgeball—everyone knows you're there, but nobody wants you on their team.
• Headline: Writers’ and Directors’ Aid. Impact: This $5,000 grant probably helped kickstart a few questionable artistic endeavors, which is how we got some truly bizarre films in the years that followed—thank you, New York State Arts Council!. Fact: Five grand in the arts world might as well be a gold mine—after all, it’s enough to fund a short film about a potato’s existential crisis.
• Headline: Electronic Music Is Finding Its Way Into Churches. Impact: Imagine a future where Sunday services are accompanied by DJs and light shows—if only the congregation could agree on whether to dub it 'divine' or 'sacrilegious.'. Fact: The first time someone played electronic music in a church, the organ might have actually wept—out of both joy and confusion.
• Headline: Parley's Recommendations on Children. Impact: These recommendations could have paved the way for child welfare reforms, but instead, they led to a rise in children's television, where kids learned more from cartoons than from adults—thanks, Parley!. Fact: Parley’s recommendations might have been the first attempt to turn parenting into a structured program—too bad they didn’t include a manual for surviving toddler tantrums.
• Headline: Catholic Bishops Affirm Backing of Parochial Schools. Impact: This endorsement solidified a stronghold on private education, leading to a world where parochial schools would become the breeding ground for future politicians—because clearly, we need more of those. Fact: The Catholic Church backing parochial schools is like a seal of approval for parents—'Don’t worry, we’ve got the kids covered… unless they want to do something wild like learn about evolution.'.