NOVEMBER 20, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Understanding Lee Harvey Oswald's Complex Persona. Impact: If Oswald had become a successful author instead of a notorious assassin, we might be discussing the literary masterpieces of the 20th century instead of conspiracy theories. Imagine a world where 'The Catcher in the Rye' was just a pamphlet on how to properly brew tea.. Fact: Did you know that Lee Harvey Oswald once tried to defect to the Soviet Union? Maybe he was just looking for a better coffee shop..
• Headline: U.S. Medals System Under Review. Impact: This medal system overhaul could have led to a reality where everyone gets a medal for merely existing. 'Congratulations! You woke up today!'. Fact: Fun fact: In 1970, they awarded more medals than in the entire bloodiest year of Vietnam. Who knew heroism was so flexible?.
• Headline: Jurors Testify in Chicago 7 Trial. Impact: The Chicago 7 case inspired a generation of people to think that a courtroom drama could possibly lead to meaningful change. Spoiler alert: it didn't.. Fact: Did you know that Judge Hoffman was known for his strict courtroom decorum? Just kidding—he was more like a reality show judge with a gavel..
• Headline: HOUSE APPROVES BILL TO RESTRICT IMPORTS, 215‐165. Impact: Restricting imports might have led to a world where fashion never evolves. Imagine wearing the same polyester blend from the 70s until today. Truly a nightmare.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon's idea of trade reform was as popular as a root canal? At least the dentist has the decency to use anesthesia..
• Headline: Study Questions Handling of Police Misconduct. Impact: If police departments had actually followed through on this study, we might have a world where police misconduct was as rare as a unicorn sighting. But alas, unicorns remain elusive.. Fact: The study was done by the Rand Institute—no, not the one where they just sit around and talk about how to be better at being bad..
• Headline: JURY HERE INDICTS 16 IN STOCK FRAUD. Impact: This indictment could have sparked a new wave of financial accountability, but instead, it just gave lawyers another reason to buy a yacht.. Fact: Did you know that stock fraud is basically just the adult version of 'I swear I had my homework, my dog ate it!'.
• Headline: Cyprus Sentences 4 Men For Trying to Kill Makarios. Impact: If they had succeeded in their assassination attempt, Cyprus might have become a footnote in world history, but instead, it became a case study in political resilience. Hooray for plot twists!. Fact: Makarios was not only a politician but also a bishop. Guess he was really trying to cover all spiritual bases..
• Headline: Trinidad Frees Prisoners; State of Emergency Expires. Impact: Releasing political prisoners could have led to a peaceful resolution in Trinidad, but instead, it probably just led to a lot of awkward family reunions.. Fact: The state of emergency was declared because, let’s be honest, things were getting a bit too exciting for the government’s taste..
• Headline: Man Held in Shooting of a Soviet Sentry Escapes in West Berlin. Impact: If the man had been caught, it could have triggered a series of events leading to better security measures. But instead, we just have more movies with plotlines about escaping from police custody.. Fact: West Berlin police called it a 'scandal'—you know, because they were totally prepared for a game of hide and seek with a fugitive..