OCTOBER 29, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ford Urges Nixon on Tax Exemption for Environmentalists. Impact: When Rep. Ford tried to get Nixon to reverse the IRS decision, little did he know that this would lead to an IRS so confused about tax exemptions that they would eventually send out letters to Bigfoot claiming he owed back taxes for his 'invisible income'.. Fact: Did you know that in the 70s, people thought 'environmentalist' was just a fancy word for 'tree-hugger'? Spoiler alert: they were right..
• Headline: UK's Military Commitment to Asia and NATO. Impact: The tiny British force remaining in Asia eventually led to an overcompensation in military presence, resulting in the world's smallest military parade where all participants had to stand on each other's shoulders to look impressive.. Fact: Fun fact: This 'tiny' force became the inspiration for a future sitcom called 'Keeping Up with the Brits' where they hilariously try to manage a military while being woefully outnumbered by tea drinkers..
• Headline: Pathet Lao's Determined Stance Amid Talks. Impact: The Pathet Lao's determination to recapture territory set off a chain of events that would eventually lead to the world's most awkward family reunion, where former combatants are forced to sit together at a barbecue.. Fact: The Pathet Lao’s optimism is notable; it’s like being stuck in traffic but believing the GPS will magically reroute you to paradise. Spoiler: it doesn’t..
• Headline: U.S. Expects Soviet to Take the Initiative When Arms Talks Resume in Helsinki. Impact: The U.S. expecting the Soviets to take the initiative in arms talks led to years of passive-aggressive diplomatic emails, which ultimately resulted in the invention of the phrase 'per my last email' in international relations.. Fact: Did you know that the SALT talks were less about actual salt and more about not turning the world into a giant ‘boom’ festival? Now that’s a salty situation..
• Headline: Goldberg on Attack In Amiable Debate With 2 Opponents. Impact: Goldberg’s TV debate with Rockefeller led to future politicians realizing that the best way to win an argument was to just keep talking over each other until the audience forgot what the original question was.. Fact: Fun fact: This debate is often cited as the precursor to reality TV, where drama is more important than actual content—who knew politics was just a well-scripted soap opera?.
• Headline: Front Page 1 — No Title. Impact: The motorcycle policeman's injury during Nixon's motorcade led to a new trend in protective gear that would eventually inspire a line of fashion-forward yet impractical police uniforms—think more runway, less patrol.. Fact: Did you know that Nixon was known for his love of dramatic gestures? Like, for instance, waving to a crowd while simultaneously ignoring the traffic laws..
• Headline: COEDS ON CAMPUS HELP PRINCETON. Impact: Coeds improving campus life at Princeton sparked a revolution in higher education that eventually led to the founding of a new degree: 'Advanced Socializing with Coffee' which made students proficient in procrastination.. Fact: Fun fact: Prior to this report, women were thought to be mythical creatures on campus—kind of like unicorns, but with better grades..
• Headline: Luncheon Here to Honor Parents Magazine Founder. Impact: Honoring the founder of Parents Magazine led to a cultural shift where parenting became a competitive sport, complete with scorecards and televised tournaments showcasing the 'best' parenting techniques.. Fact: Fun fact: Parents Magazine once considered offering a 'How to Raise a Perfect Child' guide, but then realized it would sell just as well as a diet book at a fast-food convention..
• Headline: SAIGON UNITS REPORT BATTLE NEAR SNOUL. Impact: The battle near Snoul would later be cited in military strategy classes as an example of what NOT to do when you’re outnumbered and outgunned—leading students to take notes on avoiding sharp clashes.. Fact: Did you know that 'guerrilla warfare' is just a fancy term for 'we're not ready for this'? Sounds like a lot of group projects I’ve been in..