OCTOBER 17, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Concerns Over Drug Use in Military Academies. Impact: The increased concern over drug use in military academies led to the creation of a 'no-fun' protocol that rippled through generations of officers, resulting in the strictest military code since ancient Rome. This ultimately led to the invention of the 'Sergeant's Frown' emoji in 2025. Fact: Did you know that the military has a long history of using drugs? From ancient warriors to modern-day soldiers, a little chemical enhancement has always been part of the fun—just not in the academies, apparently.
• Headline: Agnew Disputes Finch Stand. Impact: Agnew's public disputes led to the 'Debate Training Academy,' which trained future politicians to engage in artful dodging and the fine art of blaming the media, a legacy that still haunts us today. Fact: Did you know that during this time, the phrase 'debate' meant 'yell louder than your opponent'? It’s a method that remains shockingly effective in modern politics.
• Headline: A Striking Production Of ‘Roberto Devereux'.. Impact: This production kicked off a bizarre trend of operatic adaptations of pop songs, eventually leading to a Broadway version of 'Baby Shark: The Musical'—and yes, it’s as horrifying as it sounds. Fact: Did you know that 'Roberto Devereux' was so striking that it made audience members forget their own names? This, of course, was later attributed to the opera’s particularly powerful arias.
• Headline: Advocate of the Military. Impact: Felix Edward Hebert’s advocacy led to a shift in military policy that favored mustaches over clean-shaven faces, resulting in a mustachioed army that would go on to inspire a thousand memes. Fact: Did you know that Hebert was actually a fan of knitting? He believed that a good sweater could boost troop morale—though this theory has yet to be scientifically validated.
• Headline: Relief Perils To City Cited By Dr. Adams. Impact: Dr. Adams' warnings about the education budget cuts foreshadowed the eventual rise of countless think tanks dedicated solely to figuring out how to do more with less, leading to the creation of the 'Budget Balancing Dance,' an interpretive art form. Fact: Did you know that the city budget is often compared to a diet? Because it seems every year it gets 'slimmer' while everyone hopes it will finally 'bulk up' on education spending.
• Headline: Franklin to Reopen; Scribner Will Name Principal by Monday. Impact: The reopening of B Franklin HS set off a chain reaction of school disputes that ultimately led to the establishment of the International Association of Principals Who Prefer to Avoid Conflict—now the leading authority on 'how to dodge responsibility.'. Fact: Did you know that the principal’s name was a closely guarded secret until Monday? It was so thrilling that students actually held a betting pool on whether it would be ‘Mr. Smith’ or ‘Ms. Johnson.’.
• Headline: CANADA INVOKES WARTIME POWERS IN QUEBEC TERROR. Impact: Trudeau’s decision to invoke wartime powers created a precedent that made future Canadian Prime Ministers feel justified in using a dramatic tone in every speech—leading to the awkwardly theatrical Canadian political scene we know today. Fact: Interestingly, invoking wartime powers in peacetime caused many Canadians to wonder if it was time for a new national anthem: 'O Canada, Please Don’t Panic.'.