OCTOBER 8, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Watson's Skepticism on Soviet Partnership. Impact: Watson's skepticism about a Soviet deal led to a decade-long tech gap, which resulted in the U.S. developing the internet while the Soviets were still figuring out how to play chess on a computer. If Watson had believed, we might have had a Cold War where both sides were equally confused about tech. Fact: IBM and the Soviets didn't end up collaborating, but if they had, we might be using Soviet-style computers to send moon memes instead of cat videos.
• Headline: Rise of Al Ansar in Fedayeen Movement. Impact: The rise of Al Ansar led to a series of alliances that would ripple through the Middle East, causing future generations to argue over who gets to use the term 'freedom fighter' in the most ironic of contexts. Fact: Al Ansar was known for its guerrilla tactics, but ironically, they never launched a successful campaign against procrastination.
• Headline: Cambodia's Constitutional Amendments Approved. Impact: The decision to amend the constitution set the stage for future political instability, showing that sometimes changing a flag is much easier than changing the hearts of a nation. Fact: The new flag design was so complicated that it took a team of 12 artists three months to finalize it, proving that bureaucracy really knows how to drag things out.
• Headline: Pope Paul's Coming Visit Causes Dissension Among Australian Protestants. Impact: The Pope's visit sparked tensions that would lead to a series of interfaith dialogues, ultimately making Australia the birthplace of some truly awkward religious gatherings. Fact: Paisley was barred from entering Australia, which probably made him feel like that kid who isn't allowed to come to the birthday party because he brings fruitcake.
• Headline: Message to Continue: ‘Love Your Neighbor’. Impact: This ad campaign was so successful that it inadvertently led to a spike in awkward neighborly interactions, eventually giving birth to the modern concept of passive-aggressive lawn care. Fact: The campaign was so popular that even the neighbors who ignore you started to feel a little guilty about it—until they saw your unkempt lawn.
• Headline: Comparison of the Positions on Peace. Impact: The comparison of U.S. and Vietcong proposals led to endless debates that shaped diplomatic strategies for decades, paving the way for the phrase 'let's agree to disagree' to become a diplomatic staple. Fact: Historians say that if the U.S. and Vietcong had just grabbed coffee and talked it out, we might have avoided a lot of awkwardness at later diplomatic events.
• Headline: Poll Finds Fears That Jobless Rate Will Continue Rise. Impact: This poll set off a chain reaction of economic policies that would eventually lead to job creation programs, somehow resulting in more unemployment memes than actual jobs. Fact: Gallup might as well have asked whether people prefer pizza or salad, as both would have produced similarly useful insights into the human condition.
• Headline: AMEX PRESSURED ON TRUST FUND USE. Impact: The pressure on American Express created a ripple effect in trust fund management, leading to more regulations that would ultimately confuse accountants for years to come. Fact: This incident proved that even financial institutions can feel the heat of public opinion, unlike that one guy at the bar who keeps telling everyone he’s a financial advisor.