SEPTEMBER 30, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Namath Resigns from Broadway Joe's Chain. Impact: Namath's resignation as chairman led to a chain reaction of bad decisions in the food industry. This caused an unexpected spike in the popularity of kale, leading to a nationwide obsession with 'superfoods' that still haunts grocery aisles today. Fact: If only Broadway Joe had stuck to football; perhaps kale would have been left in the shadows instead of being shoved down our throats in smoothies.
• Headline: Chrysler 1971 Price Adjustments Explained. Impact: Chrysler's price hike sparked a rebellion among American car buyers, leading to a secret society of bargain hunters who would go on to revolutionize the art of haggling and eventually create the infamous 'Car Buying 101' courses. Fact: Remember when cars were affordable? Yeah, me neither. Thanks, Chrysler!.
• Headline: U.S. Eases Quotas On Importing of Oil As Shortage Looms. Impact: The Nixon administration's easing of oil quotas led to a chaotic dance of fuel prices, ultimately resulting in a generation of American drivers who would learn to hoard gasoline like it was gold during a zombie apocalypse. Fact: Remember when gas prices were low? Good luck finding that memory in this time loop!.
• Headline: Canada Approves Rise In Gas Exports to U.S.. Impact: Canada's decision to increase gas exports became the catalyst for a strange friendship between American and Canadian truckers, who would later unite to create the world's first cross-border truck rally – just for fun. Fact: Canadians: the only people who can make 'export more gas' sound like a friendly favor rather than a desperate plea.
• Headline: AMPHETAMINE USE IN SCHOOL DEFENDED. Impact: The defense of amphetamine use in schools triggered a bizarre trend where 'study drugs' became the new energy drinks, leading to a decades-long battle between educators and caffeine-fueled students. Fact: Because nothing says 'I care about your education' like pumping kids full of speed. What could possibly go wrong?.
• Headline: 66 Members of House Say Campus Unrest Panel ‘Blatantly Ignores’ Efforts Already Made by Nixon. Impact: The 66 members of the House standing up for Nixon created an unexpected political backlash, ultimately giving rise to the phrase 'it's not my fault' in American politics, which still echoes in Congress today. Fact: Politicians defending each other? Shocking! Next, they'll be forming a buddy system for accountability.
• Headline: AGNEW CONDEMNS REPORT ON UNREST. Impact: Agnew's defense of the 'domino theory' led to an intense debate that would echo through history, ultimately inspiring a series of dystopian novels where nations fall like dominoes due to overly simplistic political theories. Fact: The domino theory: A classic case of overthinking what could happen if one bad decision leads to another – like a game of Jenga with global consequences.
• Headline: National Gallery Gets Early Cezanne. Impact: The National Gallery receiving an early Cezanne inadvertently sparked a rise in pretentious art critics, leading to a new culture of people pretending to understand modern art while secretly Googling terms like 'impressionism'. Fact: Cezanne: the artist whose work can make you feel cultured even while you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.