SEPTEMBER 18, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Theologians Advocate Democratic Election Practices. Impact: This daring suggestion to democratize papal selection sent shockwaves through the Vatican, leading to a clandestine battle for the 'People's Pope' and an eventual reality show: 'Keeping Up With the Cardinals.'. Fact: Did you know the last time the Pope tried to take a vote, he accidentally invited everyone in the Vatican to a pizza party instead?.
• Headline: New Abortion Regulations in New York City. Impact: The tightening of abortion rules led to unforeseen consequences, sparking the formation of secret clinics that operated like underground speakeasies, complete with passwords and jazz music.. Fact: In a twist of irony, the phrase 'my body, my choice' became the unofficial motto of several rebellious brunch spots instead..
• Headline: Rumsfeld's Growing Influence During Nixon's Presidency. Impact: As Rumsfeld's star rose, so did the popularity of obscure military acronyms, leaving historians scratching their heads for decades trying to decode what 'DOD' really stood for.. Fact: Rumsfeld once tried to trademark the phrase 'known unknowns,' but it was ultimately rejected because it was too confusing for even the lawyers..
• Headline: Nixon Goes Shopping. Impact: Nixon's tie shopping spree sparked a fashion revolution, leading to the creation of the first-ever presidential clothing line: 'Nixons & Neckties,' which, to this day, still haunts thrift stores.. Fact: Rumor has it Nixon considered wearing a tie made of bacon for his next public appearance, but the Secret Service vetoed it for obvious reasons..
• Headline: Proposals Termed Propaganda Move. Impact: The dismissal of peace proposals as mere propaganda led to a generation of diplomats who became expert in the art of saying 'no' with a flourish, thus ensuring a booming market for conflict resolution seminars.. Fact: Famous last words of diplomats: 'Let's just ignore it and hope it goes away,' which surprisingly has worked...sometimes..
• Headline: Man With ‘Pistol’ Jailed. Impact: M Stusse's arrest for a starter's pistol resulted in a nationwide debate over gun control, leading to a bizarre trend of starter pistols being used in high-stakes cooking competitions.. Fact: Starter pistols are the only firearms that can start a race and a debate about whether they should be classified as weapons or just fancy noisemakers..
• Headline: Envoy Given Authority to Issue Order. Impact: The envoy's newfound power led to a series of increasingly absurd orders, including one that mandated all diplomatic meetings to be held in inflatable bounce houses for 'enhanced communication.'. Fact: The bounce house initiative was eventually scrapped after several diplomats got stuck inside and the meeting turned into a game of 'who can escape first.'.
• Headline: Chavez Calls Lettuce Boycott. Impact: Chavez's lettuce boycott inadvertently led to the rise of kale as the hipster vegetable of choice, resulting in a nationwide obsession with green smoothies and overpriced salads.. Fact: Kale was once considered a garnish, but thanks to Chavez, it is now a status symbol in Los Angeles—good luck finding a restaurant that doesn't offer a kale option!.