SEPTEMBER 15, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nixon's Science Adviser David Sworn In. Impact: Nixon's science adviser, once sworn in, decided to invent a time machine to avoid all the ensuing scandals. Unfortunately, he just ended up creating a really complicated coffee maker instead. Now, every cup of coffee brewed in the White House tastes like regret.. Fact: Did you know that 'science adviser' is just a fancy way of saying 'that guy who tries to convince the president that aliens are real'?.
• Headline: Ky's Rally Challenge to Agnew. Impact: McIntire's bold proclamation led to a series of increasingly ridiculous political rallies across the country where politicians began competing to be more 'Agnew' than Agnew. This ultimately resulted in the invention of the political stunt double.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Out-Agnewing' is now a recognized political strategy, often used when candidates want to distract from their actual policies..
• Headline: Rumanian Jet Hijacking Incident. Impact: The hijacking incident inadvertently led to the creation of a new reality show where contestants must survive on a plane during a hijacking. Spoiler alert: nobody won, but millions tuned in for the drama.. Fact: Hijacking a plane for political reasons? Just a Tuesday in the 70s. What’s next, a reality show about it?.
• Headline: Pace Dedicates Campus, 3 Given Honorary Degrees. Impact: The broken windows and furniture may have delayed the campus dedication, but it also sparked a nationwide trend where all future campus dedications included a window-smashing ceremony. Who knew destruction could be so educational?. Fact: Honorary degrees are great, but nothing says 'I love you' like a surprise demolition. Just ask the construction workers..
• Headline: 98 FROM T.W.A. JET ARRIVE AT KENNEDY. Impact: The arrival of the TWA passengers led to a sudden spike in people wanting to travel by jet, thinking it would be just as thrilling. Little did they know that 'thrilling' often means being crammed next to someone with questionable hygiene.. Fact: In-flight experiences are like snowflakes: each one is unique, but most involve crying babies and stale pretzels..
• Headline: Tricia Nixon Appointed. Impact: Tricia's appointment opened the floodgates for nepotism in politics, ultimately leading to a bizarre future where every political office was filled by someone’s cousin, dog, or inflatable pool toy.. Fact: Nepotism is just another word for 'keeping it in the family,' which sounds nice until you realize the family reunion involves a lot of political debates..
• Headline: SENATE PACE LAGS IN LONG SESSIONS. Impact: The Senate's sluggishness inspired the creation of motivational posters for politicians, with slogans like 'Even turtles make progress!' Unfortunately, it did little to change the pace of legislation.. Fact: The Senate has been so slow, some members have started knitting during sessions. Rumor has it they’re working on a blanket to cover their own failures..
• Headline: 3 Major Lines Involved; Court Enjoins 4 Unions. Impact: The court's decision ignited a chain reaction of strikes, leading to the invention of the 'No-Strike' cocktail—a drink that symbolizes how neither side ever really wins. Cheers!. Fact: Labor disputes are basically the adult version of a playground fight—where no one wins, but everyone looks foolish..
• Headline: 5 Nations Firm on Hostages By BERNARD WEINRAUB. Impact: The unity among nations over hostages ironically led to a yearly event called 'Hostage Appreciation Day,' where nations collectively send flowers to hostages, which is great unless they’re still stuck in a room.. Fact: International diplomacy is really just a fancy term for 'let's all agree to disagree while we sip on overpriced coffee.'.
• Headline: Eban Doubtful on Jordan. Impact: Eban's doubts about Jordan sparked a trend of politicians expressing skepticism about everything, leading to the current era where everyone is doubtful of everything, including the existence of pizza toppings.. Fact: Doubt is the first step to enlightenment—or just a really good excuse to avoid making decisions altogether..