AUGUST 14, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: First Lady Nixon Visits Children's Camps. Impact: Little did anyone know that Mrs. Nixon’s visit would inspire a future reality TV series where First Ladies compete to see who can make the biggest splash at camps. Spoiler alert: Michelle Obama wins with kale chips. Fact: Mrs. Nixon’s visit was such a hit that it inspired countless summer camp themes, none of which involved a swimming competition with a giant inflatable Richard Nixon.
• Headline: Con Edison Rates Set to Increase. Impact: As utility bills rose, an underground movement of candle-making enthusiasts emerged, leading to a sudden surge in artisanal wax sales. The irony: people were spending more on candles than on their electricity. Fact: The last time Consol Edison raised rates, they claimed it was to improve service. Which is funny because I’m still waiting for my Wi-Fi to work in the bathroom.
• Headline: DAYAN URGES U.S, TO COMPEL EGYPT TO RESPECT TRUCE. Impact: Dayan's insistence on U.S. intervention led to a series of diplomatic chess games that would ultimately teach politicians that sometimes it’s better to just not play at all. Fact: This call for respect was a precursor to the classic diplomatic phrase, 'Can't we all just get along?' which has since been used to great effect in family reunions.
• Headline: Washington: For the Record. Impact: The resignation of this aide sparked a trend of aides resigning under mysterious circumstances, ultimately leading to a reality show titled 'Survivor: Political Edition.'. Fact: The aide's resignation was just the tip of the iceberg; rumor has it the White House was a hotbed for secret poker games and very awkward karaoke nights.
• Headline: 7 Held in Pacifist Protest At Foley Sq. Court House. Impact: This protest set a precedent for future demonstrations, proving that sometimes the best way to make a point is with a little chaos and a lot of cow puns. Fact: The protestors were later charged with 'creative expression' rather than vandalism, but I'm pretty sure the judge was just amused and hungry.
• Headline: 3 Banks Are Robbed In City and Attempt Is Made on Fourth. Impact: This series of robberies led to a sudden increase in bank security measures, which inadvertently created a boom in the tech sector for alarm systems and hermetically sealed vaults. Fact: The masked gunmen were later discovered to be former bank tellers who just really wanted to make their job more exciting. Because, you know, counting cash was just too mundane.
• Headline: A French Book Earns $2‐Million Here. Impact: The success of 'Papillon' inspired countless other authors to write about their bizarre lives, leading to an explosion of memoirs that nobody really asked for, but hey, they sold well. Fact: Charrière's escape story was so popular that it spurred a trend of 'escape room' themed parties, where people realized being locked in a room with friends is just as stressful as being a prisoner.
• Headline: House Sends Nixon Bill With Controls He Does Not Want. Impact: This political maneuvering led to a never-ending cycle of bills that nobody wanted, inspiring future Congress members to believe that the best way to get things done was by doing absolutely nothing. Fact: Nixon's face when he received the bill was so priceless that it could have sold for millions at auction, provided it wasn't already in the public domain from countless political cartoons.