AUGUST 8, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Saratoga Art Center Receives State Grant. Impact: The $150,000 grant led to an explosion of artistic expression in Saratoga, inadvertently causing the first art heist in the town's history, where someone stole a blue canvas and called it 'the essence of tranquility.'. Fact: Did you know that $150,000 can buy you a lot of paint? Or a very fancy coffee machine for the art center's break room? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Integration Hearing Opens in Richmond. Impact: This integration hearing sparked a series of events that culminated in the invention of the phrase 'We need to talk' being used in every relationship crisis for decades to come.. Fact: Did you know that every time a court case about busing is mentioned, somewhere, a lawyer's coffee consumption increases by 200%? It's true, look it up!.
• Headline: Arrests at Jersey Migrants' Camp. Impact: The arrest of the poverty aides led to a grassroots movement that ironically increased the public's awareness about poverty—after all, nothing says 'let's talk about poverty' like a couple of arrests.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more surprising than poverty aides getting arrested is that they were actually trying to help? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Rookies to Carry Ball Today in Hall of Fame Game. Impact: The Hall of Fame Game became a yearly tradition, leading to an influx of people claiming to be 'professional couch sitters,' creating an entirely new career path in the process.. Fact: Did you know that Hall of Fame Games were originally just an excuse for sports fans to avoid doing laundry? Priorities, indeed!.
• Headline: Chief Executive Selection Deferred by Rock Island. Impact: The indecisiveness about the new chief executive led to a competition of who could procrastinate the longest, which eventually became the basis for all future corporate retreats.. Fact: Did you know that deferring decisions is a time-honored corporate tradition? Why rush when you can just hold endless meetings about meetings?.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The book loading completion inadvertently led to the rise of e-books, as publishers realized that if they can load books, they can also load excuses for not reading them.. Fact: Did you know that 'Books of The Times' is actually a clever way to say 'We are procrastinating on our reading list'?.
• Headline: P.B.A. FIGHTS PLEA TO JAIL 3 POLICE. Impact: The P.B.A.'s fight against the plea created a ripple effect that led to a national debate on police accountability, subsequently inspiring a slew of social media hashtags that nobody agrees on.. Fact: Did you know that every time a police union fights a plea deal, a new hashtag is born? It's the circle of life, but for Twitter..
• Headline: O'BRIEN SEES SMEAR IN AGNEW CRITICISM. Impact: O'Brien's smear accusation led to a chain of political mudslinging that would inspire future generations to believe that calling someone 'mean' was an effective form of debate.. Fact: Did you know that political smears have been around since ancient Rome? And yet, here we are, still shocked every time it happens. How quaint!.
• Headline: Soldier Dies of Meningitis. Impact: The soldier's death from meningitis sparked a national health initiative that eventually led to a new generation of germaphobes who carry hand sanitizer like it's a fashion accessory.. Fact: Did you know that meningitis is basically the reason many of us have become part-time germaphobes? Thanks, soldier..
• Headline: Washington: For the Record. Impact: The ethics committee hearings sparked a renewed interest in governmental transparency, which led to the public's collective eye roll that would last for decades—still ongoing today.. Fact: Did you know that 'for the record' is just code for 'we're going to ignore everything we say here'? Classic government!.