JULY 30, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Indictment in NYU Center Raid Explained. Impact: The indictment led to a surge in 'How to Extort Your University' courses at campuses across America. A new generation of academics learned that sometimes, a little chaos can result in big bucks...or at least a headline. Fact: Did you know that threatening a university is basically just a PhD-level negotiation tactic? 'Pay me or I'll unleash my inner anarchist!'.
• Headline: Police Inquiry Panel Sworn In. Impact: This panel's findings inspired a new trend in 'I swear I didn't see anything' pledges at police departments nationwide, solidifying the phrase 'see no evil, hear no evil' as the unofficial motto of law enforcement. Fact: Fun fact: Swearing in a panel is basically a fancy way of saying, 'We promise to pretend to investigate while the real issues just keep festering.'.
• Headline: At G.I.Post Near DMZ, Nothing Seems to Go Right. Impact: This headline led to a revolutionary discovery in military strategy: if nothing goes right, just keep moving the goalposts. Sadly, it was applied to every future military operation. Fact: The phrase 'nothing seems to go right' is often the unofficial motto of military operations. It’s basically the military's version of 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?'.
• Headline: Jackson State Shootings Called Justified by County Grand Jury. Impact: This event highlighted the dangers of crowd control and led to future generations of law enforcement to adopt the motto 'Better safe than sorry... unless you're at a college dorm.'. Fact: The Jackson State Shootings remind us that sometimes, 'justified' is just another word for 'we're trying to cover our butts.'.
• Headline: Lions Are Identified by Pattern of Whisker Holes. Impact: This groundbreaking discovery inspired lions to start their own social media accounts, leading to the rise of influencer lions and the first-ever animal-based reality shows. Who knew whiskers could be so fashionable?. Fact: Turns out, lions have their own version of fingerprinting. So next time you meet a lion, better hope it doesn't recognize you from last summer's safari!.
• Headline: NIXON SAID TO BAR ANY TAX INCREASE IN BUDGET FOR '72. Impact: This declaration set the stage for a long-standing tradition of politicians promising not to raise taxes, only to do so later. It’s the political equivalent of 'I won’t eat the last cookie'—and we all know how that ends. Fact: Nixon’s tax strategy was so effective that it inspired generations of politicians to perfect the art of saying 'no' while simultaneously doing the opposite.
• Headline: HOUSE PASSES BILL ON URBAN SPENDING. Impact: This bill’s passage led to a never-ending cycle of municipalities trying to outdo each other in spending, resulting in a gloriously overfunded playground in one town while another still has potholes big enough to host a small lake. Fact: Urban spending bills are like a game of Monopoly: everyone thinks they can build hotels without landing on 'Go to Jail'—spoiler alert: they can't.