JULY 24, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stratford's Enchanting Cymbeline Revival. Impact: This production of Cymbeline sparked a renewed interest in Shakespearean plays, leading to an influx of hipster cafes named after characters, where people sip overpriced lattes while pretending to understand iambic pentameter.. Fact: Cymbeline is one of Shakespeare's lesser-known works, which is ironic considering how much people pay to see it performed in trendy theaters..
• Headline: F.B.I. Finds Kent Shooting Unnecessary. Impact: The FBI's conclusion that the shooting was unnecessary led to a nationwide debate on the roles of armed forces in civilian spaces, ultimately inspiring a dystopian novel that would be considered a classic... if only the author had finished it.. Fact: The FBI's investigations often make for great TV shows, but in real life, they sometimes lead to more questions than answers—like, why do we need them in the first place?.
• Headline: Emperor Haile Selassie's Library Dedication. Impact: The dedication of this library in Addis Ababa marked the beginning of Ethiopia's cultural renaissance, eventually inspiring a global trend of hipsters traveling to obscure libraries for selfies.. Fact: Haile Selassie's mother was likely just trying to get her kid to read more; little did she know, her son would become a historical figure of significant importance..
• Headline: Presidential Power Urged To Adjust Federal Salaries. Impact: This proposal to adjust federal salaries led to endless debates in Congress, where politicians argued over who deserves what—like schoolchildren squabbling over candy at recess.. Fact: This is a classic example of politicians wanting to look productive while making sure their own paychecks look good—because who doesn't love a good financial self-pat on the back?.
• Headline: POLICE‐CRIME LINK IS UNDER INQUIRY. Impact: The inquiry into police-crime links opened a Pandora's box of corruption, leading to a reality TV show that nobody wanted but everyone watched, proving once again that crime really does pay... in entertainment.. Fact: This situation was so scandalous that even the Mafia took notes; they were probably just waiting for the right moment to make an offer that couldn't be refused..
• Headline: Washington: For the Record. Impact: Nixon's dinner with Kekkonen was a diplomatic dance that hinted at future alliances—like two awkward teens trying to figure out who gets to ask whom to the prom.. Fact: Dinner diplomacy is a real thing, primarily because there's nothing like a good steak to ease international tensions... or create new ones over who gets the last piece of pie..
• Headline: ALBERT SCHILLER, GRAPHICS EXPERT. Impact: Schiller's expertise in graphics would go on to inspire a generation of graphic designers, leading to the birth of entire industries devoted to making things look pretty—because substance is overrated.. Fact: Albert Schiller likely had no idea that his work would lead to an explosion of memes; if he did, he might have started charging royalties for every viral image..
• Headline: Modern‐Dance Troupe Maturing in Britain. Impact: The maturation of modern dance in Britain eventually led to dance-offs that would make their way into pop culture—because nothing says artistic expression like watching people roll around on the floor.. Fact: Modern dance was once seen as a rebellious act; now, it’s just a fancy way for people to avoid cardio while still looking artsy..
• Headline: DR. LOUIS C. CRATON, MINING GEOLOGIST. Impact: Dr. Craton's advancements in geology paved the way for more efficient mining practices, which, in turn, led to a global shortage of sparkly rocks—because who doesn’t want their diamonds to come with a side of artificial scarcity?. Fact: It's said that Craton was so passionate about geology that he could make a rock sound interesting—unfortunately, that skill didn't translate well at parties..
• Headline: Eban Says That 90‐Day Truce Would Permit War Preparations. Impact: Eban's comments on the cease-fire sparked endless debates, creating a cycle of peace talks that led to more peace talks—much like an endless loop of a sitcom that never gets canceled.. Fact: Eban's annoyance during the press conference was likely due to being asked the same question repeatedly; welcome to the life of a diplomat, where every day feels like Groundhog Day..