JUNE 27, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Golan Heights Conflict Escalates. Impact: This ongoing conflict would eventually lead to a never-ending cycle of retaliation, resulting in a bizarre timeline where both nations are constantly at war but collaborating on the world's most elaborate game of chess.. Fact: The Golan Heights is so disputed that if it were a person, it would probably have a very messy breakup story on reality TV..
• Headline: Spectator's Tax-Exempt Status Under Investigation. Impact: The inquiry into tax-exempt status would inspire a generation of student journalists to become the next Woodward and Bernstein, but instead of taking down presidents, they just annoy everyone on social media.. Fact: The Spectator has been known to take strong stances, but their strongest stance might actually be just sitting in a coffee shop pretending to write..
• Headline: Humphrey Backed For Senate Contest By Minnesota Party. Impact: Humphrey's backing would ignite a political movement that eventually results in the most convoluted peace negotiations ever, involving everything from yoga retreats to interpretive dance.. Fact: Humphrey was known for his jovial personality; perhaps he thought if he smiled enough, the war would just pack its bags and leave..
• Headline: Blue Cross Here to Cover Single Women's Abortions. Impact: This decision would lead to a dramatic increase in the number of single women seeking healthcare, resulting in a nationwide campaign for women to finally be recognized as human beings with rights. Shocking, I know.. Fact: Blue Cross initially hesitated to cover abortions; apparently, they thought it was just a phase women were going through..
• Headline: Chinese Visit Brazzaville. Impact: This visit would set off a series of diplomatic meetings that culminated in a bizarre crossover episode where Brazzaville and Beijing collaborated on a soap opera about political intrigue.. Fact: The People's Army is known for its military prowess, but it’s also secretly training for the next Olympic Games in synchronized swimming..
• Headline: Bombing Suspect Indicted. Impact: Feliciano's indictment would inadvertently lead to the rise of a new genre of crime documentaries that would have everyone glued to their screens, wondering how many pipe bombs it takes to get a reality show.. Fact: Placing bombs at recruiting stations is a great way to ensure you won't be getting any job offers from the military anytime soon..