MAY 30, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pembroke Women Elect New Leadership. Impact: Mrs. H. Shea's election was the spark that ignited a global movement for women in leadership. Little did anyone know that her victory would eventually lead to the creation of a secret society where women in power would plot world domination—one book club meeting at a time.. Fact: Did you know that the Pembroke Coll Alumnae Assn now has a secret handshake? No? Well, that's probably because they forgot to send out the memo..
• Headline: Understanding the Significance of Memorial Day. Impact: The ruling that sparked a massive legal debate ended up causing a rift between lawmakers and citizens that echoed through the ages. Eventually, it led to the creation of a new holiday: 'Ruling Day,' where everyone just sits around and discusses laws they don't understand.. Fact: Oh, Memorial Day! The one day we remember those who served while simultaneously forgetting to honor the actual spirit of the day. Classic!.
• Headline: King Abandons I.0.S. Control Attempt. Impact: King's drop in the control bid sent shockwaves through financial markets, leading to the rise of the 'King's Gambit' strategy in stock trading. This strategy was later banned due to its uncanny ability to lose money faster than a toddler losing a game of Candy Land.. Fact: Did you know that SEC actually stands for 'Super Extra Cautious'? Just kidding, but they might as well!.
• Headline: Airlines Voting on Rise in Atlantic Fare. Impact: The airlines' fare increase proposal resulted in a chain reaction of complaints that led to the invention of the 'frequent flyer grumble'—a new Olympic sport where competitors compete for the most creative way to complain about flight prices.. Fact: Did you know that airlines always have their hand out? It's like they think we're all made of money, but I can assure you, my wallet is definitely not a gold mine..
• Headline: POST AND PRINTERS REACH AGREEMENT. Impact: The agreement between the Post and printers marked the beginning of a very complicated relationship that eventually led to the creation of 'Post-it Notes'—because when you have too many secrets, you need a way to remember them all.. Fact: Did you know that the 'understanding' reached was so secretive that even the parties involved forgot what they agreed on? Classic media move!.
• Headline: HAMMER ACQUIRES PORTRAIT BY EAKINS. Impact: Dr. Hammer's acquisition of the Eakins portrait sent ripples through the art world, eventually leading to a new trend where every wealthy person felt the need to own a portrait of someone who looked just like them. Spoiler: it didn't end well.. Fact: Did you know that Cardinal Martinelli had absolutely no idea his portrait would end up in a private collection? Talk about a lack of consent!.
• Headline: Pope Will Visit Philippines and Australia. Impact: The Pope's planned visit was the catalyst for a surge in pilgrimage tourism that transformed the Philippines and Australia into the world's top spiritual vacation spots. Little did they know, though, that it would also lead to an influx of questionable souvenir shops.. Fact: Did you know that the Pope has a better travel itinerary than most world leaders? No pressure, right?.
• Headline: Market Place:. Impact: R.W. Wilson's arguments against short sale bans led to a series of debates that eventually resulted in the stock market becoming more complicated than a soap opera plot twist. Investors now need a PhD just to understand what day it is.. Fact: Did you know that if you shorten your sales, you might just end up with a very long lecture from your financial advisor? Yikes!.
• Headline: EVA HESSE DIES; SCULPTOR WAS 34. Impact: Eva Hesse's untimely death not only marked the end of a brilliant career but also sparked a wave of interest in contemporary sculpture that inspired future generations of artists to create work that simply baffles the average person. Thanks, Eva!. Fact: Did you know that after Eva's death, the art world collectively decided to just nod and pretend to understand all her pieces? Art critics are champions at bluffing!.