MAY 26, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Presbyterian Leaders Demand Clarity on Asia Policy. Impact: This plea resulted in Nixon's infamous 'I am not a crook' moment being overshadowed by religious leaders, causing future politicians to think they could dodge accountability by simply invoking higher powers. Who knew the secret to political evasion was a good sermon?. Fact: The last time a politician was asked to explain something and actually did was... well, it never happened!.
• Headline: Rockefeller Calls Nixon to Address Economy. Impact: Rockefeller's call for responsibility led to a generation of corporate CEOs thinking they could just 'talk it out' instead of taking actual action, paving the way for endless boardroom meetings that achieved nothing but increased coffee consumption.. Fact: David Rockefeller once had a yacht named 'The Fiscal Cliff'—just kidding, but wouldn't that be fitting?.
• Headline: US Plans Early Troop Withdrawal from Cambodia. Impact: This early withdrawal set a precedent for future military strategies, leading to a long history of military personnel being told, 'Just pack your bags and leave by Tuesday,' without any real plan. Nothing says 'we're in control' like an unplanned exit.. Fact: The last time someone left Cambodia on time, they forgot their luggage. Spoiler: It was the U.S. Army..
• Headline: Cricket in Britain Is Bowling a Very Sticky Wicket. Impact: The decline in cricket attendance led to the rise of other sports, like competitive knitting. Who knew that the fate of cricket could lead to such thrilling alternatives?. Fact: In cricket, a 'sticky wicket' refers to difficult batting conditions, which is also how I describe my last date..
• Headline: Hijacked Jet Lands Here Before Flying to Havana. Impact: This incident opened the floodgates for a slew of hijacking films in the '70s, resulting in action heroes being born and a deluge of unrealistic airplane stunts that we still see today. Thanks, hijackers, for Hollywood's creativity!. Fact: In an alternate timeline, that hijacker became a famous travel influencer, promoting 'the best views from the rear galley.'.
• Headline: U.S. Will Give Cambodia $7.5.Million in Weapons. Impact: This decision sparked a trend of foreign aid being equated with 'armed friendship,' leading to future leaders thinking they could just throw money at problems instead of actually fixing them. Because who needs diplomacy when you have shiny new toys?. Fact: That $7.5 million in weapons could have bought a lifetime supply of rubber ducks, but who needs fun when you can have conflict?.
• Headline: Screen: Dubliner on Way to Nowhere. Impact: This film's existential crisis became a metaphor for countless future movies, leading to a generation of filmmakers who thought ambiguity was a plot device rather than an oversight. Welcome to cinema, where everyone is perpetually lost.. Fact: The original title was 'Dubliner on the Way to the Grocery Store,' but they figured that was too relatable..
• Headline: Subway Commission To Study Reports On IND Collision. Impact: The endless investigation into this collision only served to make future subway commissions experts in paperwork and procrastination, ensuring that delays became the norm rather than the exception. Ah, bureaucracy at its finest!. Fact: The subway commission meetings often had more drama than the soap operas airing at the same time. Spoiler: the subway always wins..