MAY 5, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Transportation Aide for Babylon Region. Impact: The naming of A H Emery as Babylon Region director led to a butterfly effect in which every transportation aide henceforth believed they could achieve greatness, resulting in an influx of poorly written self-help books on 'How to Direct Your Region' that flooded the market for decades.. Fact: Did you know that the average transportation aide spends more time perfecting their title than actually aiding in transportation? It's a real skill set..
• Headline: Teamsters Strike Developments Across Regions. Impact: The end of the Ohio Teamsters strike sparked a nationwide trend where truckers would casually walk off the job at the slightest inconvenience, which eventually led to the invention of the 'National Day of Truckers Taking a Break'—a day celebrated by everyone except truckers.. Fact: Fun fact: Strikes are just like really intense coffee breaks, but with more paperwork and fewer donuts..
• Headline: Supreme Court Upholds Churches' Tax Exemption. Impact: The Supreme Court's backing of churches' tax exemption created a ripple that led to the bizarre phenomenon of churches doubling as tax shelters, resulting in one church becoming a literal 'tax haven' for confused accountants seeking spiritual guidance.. Fact: Did you know that churches have been known to have more tax loopholes than an accountant's cheat sheet? Amen to that!.
• Headline: WAR AND ECONOMY SPUR STOCK DROPS. Impact: Wall Street's stock drops from war and economy turmoil led to the creation of 'panic-selling' as a new Olympic sport, which is still yet to gain traction but has a solid fanbase of anxious investors.. Fact: Did you know the stock market only goes down when you check your portfolio? It's like it knows and is just messing with you..
• Headline: 37 COLLEGE CHIEFS URGE NIXON MOVE FOR PROMPT PEACE. Impact: The plea from 37 college presidents to Nixon for peace spawned a new genre of political protest music that inspired an entire generation, leading to awkward family reunions where everyone pretended to enjoy folk songs about peace.. Fact: Did you know that college presidents are just like pop stars? They thrive on attention and have a tendency to make things awkward at every event..
• Headline: TIME DENIES CHARGE BY WOMEN EMPLOYES. Impact: Time magazine's denial of charges by women employees triggered a series of events that led to countless coffee breaks filled with heated discussions about workplace equality, resulting in the invention of the 'office coffee gossip' phenomenon.. Fact: Did you know that most magazine headlines are just like annoying relatives? They show up uninvited and cause drama nobody asked for..
• Headline: Briton Is Found in Uganda. Impact: The discovery of a Briton alive in Uganda inspired countless action movies where the hero always survives against all odds, leading to the popular belief that the British are basically immortal.. Fact: Did you know that ‘Britons’ is just a fancy word for ‘people who refuse to die in the most dramatic ways possible’?.
• Headline: War Baffles an Upstate Village So Much Its People Say Little. Impact: The bafflement of an upstate village over war led to the invention of the 'War Baffle Festival,' where residents gather annually to discuss how little they actually understand about global conflicts, complete with a raffle for the best confusion expression.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes the best response to war is just to stare blankly and nod? Works like a charm in Altamont!.