APRIL 30, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Infrared Radiation Discovery in Atmosphere. Impact: The verification of mysterious infrared radiation led to a mad scramble for scientists to invent 'Infrared Sunglasses' by 2025, which eventually turned into a fashion trend that confused aliens into thinking humans were part of the light spectrum. Thanks, science!. Fact: Did you know that infrared radiation is just a fancy way of saying 'we can’t explain this yet'? It's like the universe's way of saying, 'Hey, I’m mysterious and you’re not worthy!'.
• Headline: UFT Supports Workers' Strike Actions. Impact: The U.F.T. vote to support school workers triggered a nationwide trend of teachers figuring out that they could simply threaten to 'not teach' to get their way, leading to a generation of students who learned how to get by on TikTok tutorials instead.. Fact: Did you know that the U.F.T. originally stood for 'United Federation of Teachers'? Now it might as well stand for 'Unbelievably Frustrated Teachers'!.
• Headline: Mayor Lindsay Advocates for Draft Resisters. Impact: Mayor Lindsay's support for draft resistors ignited a series of protests that accidentally led to the creation of a new holiday: 'National Skip Work Day,' where everyone pretends they’re resisting something important.. Fact: Did you know that if you squint hard enough, you can see the irony of politicians criticizing the judicial system while simultaneously being part of it? It’s a real talent!.
• Headline: Teachers Boycott P.S. 50 To Protest Transfer of 2. Impact: The teachers' boycott at P.S. 200 sparked a nationwide trend of boycotting everything from math tests to vegetables, giving rise to an entire generation that thought they could protest their way to a pizza-only diet.. Fact: Did you know that slapping a student is a great way to get a leave of absence? Not the best teaching strategy, but hey, it gets the job done!.
• Headline: New Head of Hospital Group. Impact: C.W. Davidson's election as head of the hospital group led to a chain reaction where hospitals started hiring people based solely on their ability to bake cookies, causing a temporary sugar shortage.. Fact: Did you know that becoming a president of a hospital group is like being crowned the King of Band-Aids? You’re in charge of everything but still can’t heal a broken heart!.