APRIL 14, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: House Inquiry on Justice Douglas Fitness. Impact: This inquiry might have led to the Supreme Court being filled with personalities instead of legal minds. If Douglas had been ousted, we could have ended up with a court made up entirely of reality show contestants. 'The Real Justices of Washington' could've been a hit!. Fact: Justice William O. Douglas was known for his strong environmental views. Little did they know, his critics were probably just annoyed that he didn’t like their golf course plans..
• Headline: Conservationists Halt Alaska Pipeline Road Construction. Impact: This tiny victory for conservationists could've been the spark that ignited the modern environmental movement. Without it, we might have ended up with a giant pipe running through our national parks, making it easier for tourists to say, 'Look, a beautiful view... and a pipeline!'. Fact: The Mineral Leasing Act has been a classic example of 'how to make enemies with trees.' If trees could speak, they would probably sue the entire government..
• Headline: Panther Hearing Postponed by Fire Until Tomorrow. Impact: The fire that postponed the hearing could have led to a whole new genre of legal dramas. Imagine a courtroom series featuring lawyers who fight fires, literally and figuratively. Ratings would skyrocket!. Fact: Lefcourt's office was not only a place for legal affairs but also, evidently, a fire hazard. Maybe they should have invested in some fire insurance instead of just legal briefs..
• Headline: NEW CRIME CODE GAINS IN ALBANY. Impact: This legislation could have sparked a global revolution in detergent labeling. Imagine a world where consumers could actually understand what they were putting in their laundry instead of just guessing. We might have even gotten to laundry nirvana by now!. Fact: Phosphate in detergent is like glitter at a party—nobody wants it, but somehow it always ends up everywhere. Who knew clean clothes could be so complicated?.
• Headline: NEWSMEN'S RELEASE IS ASKED BY ROGERS. Impact: If Secretary Rogers had successfully secured the release of the newsmen, it might have changed the way we perceive journalism. 'Breaking News' could have become an actual term instead of just clickbait!. Fact: In the world of journalism, getting arrested is sometimes considered a rite of passage. Just ask any reporter trying to get the scoop on a politician..
• Headline: EXCHANGE TO DEAL IN MONEY FUTURES. Impact: The establishment of a market for currency contract futures could have led to a world where currency trading was as exciting as betting on the Super Bowl—minus the actual fun.. Fact: In the 1970s, futures trading was like the Wild West. People were betting on currencies like they were betting on horse races. Spoiler: the horse always wins..
• Headline: BREDINEV URGES FRESH SOLUTIONS TO ECONOMIC ILLS. Impact: Bredinev's call for fresh solutions to economic woes could have inspired a whole new genre of self-help books for governments. 'How to Fix Your Economy in 10 Easy Steps' might have been a bestseller!. Fact: When politicians start talking about fresh solutions, it's usually a hint that they’ve run out of old ideas. Kind of like how the last slice of pizza is always the worst..
• Headline: Samuels May Withdraw Support From Paterson Because Senator Endorsed Goldberg. Impact: Samuels threatening to withdraw support could have led to a political soap opera where alliances shifted faster than a high school cafeteria. Who knew politics could be so dramatic?. Fact: In politics, loyalty is as fleeting as a Snapchat message. One endorsement can change the entire game, much like a bad haircut..