APRIL 13, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Insights from 8-State Abortion Reform Study. Impact: This study on abortion reform flaws led to a series of legal battles that resulted in a rabbit hole of laws, amendments, and protests. If only they had known that the butterfly flapping its wings would lead to TikTok influencers advocating for reproductive rights decades later. Fact: Did you know that tax reform and abortion laws have about as much in common as cats and vacuum cleaners? Both are messy, and neither is universally loved.
• Headline: UN Investigation on Israeli-Arab Relations. Impact: The adjournment of the U.N. unit in Syria led to a never-ending game of geopolitical chess, where every move resulted in a new crisis, and the pieces were just too stubborn to cooperate. Spoiler alert: they still haven’t figured it out. Fact: Did you know that the U.N. meetings often adjourn with the same fanfare as a high school debate club? Lots of talking, minimal impact, and someone always storms off in a huff.
• Headline: Firemen Injured in Union Square Blaze. Impact: The fire at Union Square not only incinerated legal documents but also sparked a new trend in 'fireproof' legal briefs. Who knew that arson could lead to innovation in the legal field?. Fact: Did you know that firemen have a code for everything? Apparently, '7-hour blaze' translates to 'We really need to work on our fire drills.'.
• Headline: JOE HEVING, 65, GIANTS' PITCHER. Impact: Joe Heving’s pitching career may have inspired future generations of baseball players, leading to a time where even the most mediocre player thinks they're the next big thing. Thanks, Joe!. Fact: Did you know that being a Giants pitcher means you can throw balls without having a clue where they’ll land? Talk about an exciting career!.
• Headline: MRS. SAPERSTEIN, 63, A BAND SAXOPHONIST. Impact: Miriam Saperstein's saxophone skills may have unknowingly paved the way for a jazz renaissance, influencing countless garage bands to pick up the sax and think they’re the next Stan Getz. Fact: Did you know that saxophonists are basically the rockstars of the marching band? They get all the glory, and the trumpets are just jealous.
• Headline: Family of Six, Like Many, Digs Deeper to Handle College Costs. Impact: The Petta family's struggles with college costs triggered a nationwide crisis in higher education funding, leading to the creation of 'How to Sell Your Kidney for College' workshops. A true American dream!. Fact: Did you know that student loans are the adult version of being gifted a puppy? They seem cute at first, but soon you realize you have no idea how to take care of them.
• Headline: Israelis Decline Rare Papyri; Call $1‐Million Price Too Costly. Impact: Declining the $1-million papyri purchase led to the inevitable rise of conspiracy theories claiming that the Egyptians had the secrets to the universe, but the Israeli government just didn’t want to spend their lunch money. Fact: Did you know that ancient documents often come with a price tag, but apparently, the Egyptians were not in the mood for haggling?.
• Headline: SIEGE IS REPORTED ON 2D U.S. OUTPOST IN SOUTH VIETNAM. Impact: The siege on the U.S. outpost in Vietnam contributed to an endless cycle of conflict, creating a timeline where napalm was a household word, and Vietnam War movies became a genre of their own. Fact: Did you know that napalm is not a recipe for a good time? It's more like the worst BBQ sauce you could ever imagine.
• Headline: Vienna to Quietly Commemorate Russian Ouster of Nazis in 1945. Impact: Vienna’s quiet commemoration of the Russian ouster of Nazis became a blueprint for future historical events where people would rather ignore history than celebrate it, creating an awkward legacy of 'let’s just not talk about it.'. Fact: Did you know that commemorating historical events often feels like an awkward family reunion? Everyone knows what happened, but no one wants to bring it up.
• Headline: OTTO PROUNIS DIES; A RESTAURATEUR, 76. Impact: The passing of Otto Prounis sparked a slow decline in the restaurant's quality, leading to the rise of hipster eateries where the menu is just a list of ingredients and the ambiance is 'we're trying too hard.'. Fact: Did you know that being a restaurateur is just another way of saying 'I enjoy working long hours for a chance to serve food to people who may or may not appreciate it'?.