APRIL 4, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Carswell Backer's Controversial Testimony. Impact: The attack on the liberals was like a pebble thrown into a pond, sending waves of justifications for political attacks through the decades. Eventually, it led to every future political debate resembling a chaotic wrestling match where nobody knows what's going on, but everyone is yelling.. Fact: If you think political drama is bad now, just wait until you see what happens when they start debating the merits of time travel. Spoiler: it gets messy..
• Headline: Subpoena Limits for NY Times Writer. Impact: This ruling on disclosure set a precedent that would ripple through the ages, leading to the rise of journalists asking questions no one wants to answer, ultimately resulting in more secrets than a high school gossip circle.. Fact: The NY Times has been involved in more legal battles than a contestant on a reality show. Who knew journalism came with so much courtroom drama?.
• Headline: Scotto Couple Invokes Constitutional Rights. Impact: The refusal of the Scottos to speak could be seen as a spark that ignited the fire of conspiracy theorists who believe silence is the new form of communication, paving the way for a generation that thinks 'no comment' is a valid response to anything.. Fact: Invoking the 5th Amendment is basically the legal equivalent of saying 'I have no idea what you're talking about' but with more paperwork..
• Headline: Brandt, in Nixon Talks, to Stress U.S.‐Market Ties. Impact: Brandt stressing U.S.-Market ties during Nixon talks would eventually lead to a multitude of trade deals, some of which are so convoluted that even historians are baffled by what was traded for what.. Fact: Nixon's foreign policy was like trying to play chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Spoiler: he was not very good at it..
• Headline: LIBERALS CONFER ON STATE TICKET. Impact: The conference to decide on the state ticket was just the beginning of a long line of political indecision, leading to the phenomenon of candidates being selected based on whether they could secure enough 'likes' on social media rather than actual votes.. Fact: Political conventions are like family reunions, except nobody actually wants to be there and the food is worse..
• Headline: Stage: ‘Dark of the Moon’. Impact: The debut of ‘Dark of the Moon’ might have inspired a future generation of playwrights to think that adding more existential dread is a surefire way to win awards, leading to an influx of sad plays that no one truly understands.. Fact: The title 'Dark of the Moon' sounds like it could either be a deep philosophical exploration or a really bad horror movie. Spoiler: it's both..
• Headline: A JUDGE IS FACING VOLOSHEN INQUIRY. Impact: Justice Schweitzer's inquiry into relations with Voloshen ended up being a cautionary tale for future judges, leading to stricter regulations on friendships, because apparently judges can’t have pals without it becoming a scandal.. Fact: Being friends with someone in politics is like owning a pet alligator; it seems fun until it turns on you..
• Headline: JAZZ RECITAL GIVEN BY FREDDIE HUBBARD. Impact: Freddie Hubbard's jazz recital could be seen as the moment when jazz began to infiltrate popular culture, paving the way for every future hipster to convince themselves that they are better musicians than they actually are.. Fact: Jazz: the only genre where a wrong note is considered 'artistic expression' and not just an accident..
• Headline: ADAMS'S DEFENSE ON PERJURY OPENS. Impact: The opening of Adams's defense on perjury set a precedent for future legal battles, leading to an age where testimonies are as reliable as a politician's promises.. Fact: Perjury cases are like watching a soap opera unfold, complete with plot twists and an audience wondering how it got this far..