APRIL 2, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Inquiry into Ties with Gross and Union. Impact: This inquiry sets off a chain reaction where every politician starts wearing a tinfoil hat, convinced they're being investigated too, leading to the first-ever 'Conspiracy Theory Convention' in 1975.. Fact: Did you know that asking a politician to confirm or deny something is like trying to get a cat to take a bath? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Judge Halts Pipeline Permit in Alaska. Impact: This ruling leads to years of back-and-forth, inspiring future generations to invent 'water cooler talk' that exclusively revolves around delayed projects and environmental concerns.. Fact: Fun fact: Environmentalists later became experts in 'waiting patiently'—a skill that took decades to master..
• Headline: Goldberg Waives Democratic Nomination. Impact: Goldberg's decision to waive selection becomes a blueprint for future candidates, who will use 'waiving' as a strategy to dodge tough questions, making 'waiving' the new political buzzword.. Fact: Did you know that waiving selection is basically the political equivalent of saying you 'forgot' your homework? Classic!.
• Headline: Vandals Wreck Pressroom. Impact: This act of vandalism leads to the invention of bulletproof pressrooms, which ironically become the safest place for journalists—who then never leave, creating the world's most bizarre 'press prison'.. Fact: In a tragic twist, this event sparked a national debate on whether or not to include pressrooms in emergency drills. Spoiler: they were always a 'no'..
• Headline: Neighborhoods: Pelham Parkway Is an Urban Shtetl in the Bronx. Impact: The recognition of Pelham Parkway as an urban shtetl brings about a cultural renaissance, leading to the first-ever 'Bagel and Lox Festival', which eventually expands to include every type of food imaginable.. Fact: Did you know that Pelham Parkway is known for its bagels? They say it's the only place where the bagels are better than the gossip!.
• Headline: Sirhan Back in Cell. Impact: Sirhan's return to his cell sparks intense debate about prison reform and mental health, leading to unexpected bipartisan support for better treatment of inmates—if only for a moment.. Fact: Sirhan's case still evokes strong emotions and discussions about justice, illustrating how one person's actions can ripple through the decades like a stone thrown into a pond..
• Headline: Test of the War's Legality Voted By Legislature in Massachusetts. Impact: This vote ignites a nationwide debate on war legality, eventually inspiring future lawmakers to create a 'War Approval Checklist'—which is ironically never used when needed most.. Fact: Did you know that this legislative move almost led to the introduction of 'War Weekends,' where Americans would vote on whether to go to war like it was a sporting event? Now that's democracy!.
• Headline: TEAMSTERS BEGIN WIDE STOPPAGES. Impact: The Teamsters' walkout inspires future labor movements, leading to the creation of 'National Nap Day,' where workers demand a day off just to... well, nap.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more effective than a union strike is a well-placed pizza delivery during a protest. Always brings everyone together!.
• Headline: HUNTER STUDENTS BLOCK ELEVATORS. Impact: This student protest signals a new era of activism on college campuses, which ultimately leads to the invention of 'Elevator Blocking 101' as a core course in many universities.. Fact: Did you know that blocking elevators has become a rite of passage for students? It’s their way of making sure they don't have to climb too many stairs—priorities!.