FEBRUARY 28, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Collapse at Pittsburgh Construction Site. Impact: Had the two workmen not been trapped, it's possible that Pittsburgh would have become the next architectural tourism hotspot, attracting thousands to witness the 'Ghost of Unfinished Buildings' exhibit.. Fact: Pittsburgh is known for its bridges, but who knew it could also host impromptu demolition derbies?.
• Headline: Federal Aid Tied to School Equality Standards. Impact: This decision to tie federal aid to school equality may have led to a future where students are actually educated rather than just trained to take standardized tests. Shocking, right?. Fact: In a parallel universe, school equality was achieved by simply giving everyone the same lunch—because nothing says fairness like mystery meat..
• Headline: New Spacecraft Tested. Impact: This spacecraft test may have been the catalyst for a future where humans regularly vacation on Mars, only to realize they forgot to pack sunscreen. Good job, humanity!. Fact: The flatiron design was a nod to the 20th-century obsession with cooking utensils, proving that even spacecraft can be a little too 'on the nose.'.
• Headline: City to Honor Synagogue. Impact: Honoring a synagogue might have inspired a series of similar events, leading to a world where every building gets a day of recognition—because who doesn't want a 'Day for the Local Post Office'?. Fact: Temple Emanu-El was once considered for a reality show about the life of a synagogue—ratings plummeted when they realized the drama wasn’t as juicy as expected..
• Headline: Laird Says It Is Too Early To Set Date to End Draft. Impact: Laird's indecision about the draft may have led to a future where military service becomes a quirky reality show competition—'Survivor: Draft Edition'—where the last one standing wins a lifetime supply of MREs.. Fact: In a parallel timeline, the draft was replaced with a lottery based on who could best name all the U.S. presidents in under a minute. Spoiler: it didn't end well..
• Headline: Eisenhowers Going to Expo. Impact: The Eisenhowers attending the World's Fair may have inspired a future where every U.S. president feels obligated to show up at every fair, leading to endless photo ops and awkward small talk.. Fact: Nixon was so nervous about representing the Eisenhowers, he accidentally wore a clown costume, thinking it was 'US Day'—now that would have been a sight to see!.
• Headline: NEW PACT APPROVED BY LIBRARY WORKERS. Impact: The new wage rises for library workers might have ignited a literary revolution, inspiring a new generation of librarians to rise up and demand equal pay for equal work—because who knew library science was undervalued?. Fact: In a different timeline, library workers became the top-paid profession, leading to the first-ever Library Olympics—where shushing your opponent was a competitive sport..