JANUARY 30, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Volpe Tests Radar-Controlled Car Brakes. Impact: The introduction of radar-controlled brakes vastly accelerated the development of self-driving cars. In 2030, a car's AI will start taking over the driver's social life, deciding who gets to go on road trips based on their Spotify playlists. Fact: This was the first time a government official realized that traffic could be navigated without screaming at other drivers. Progress!.
• Headline: R Skelton's White House Performances Begin. Impact: R. Skelton's performance marked the beginning of a new era of political comedy, eventually leading to a future where political figures feel compelled to perform stand-up routines, thus distracting the public from actual governance. Fact: The fact that the Vice President attended a comedy show is ironic, considering his administration's policies were anything but a laughing matter.
• Headline: Angry Italians Rename Town on a Polluted River ‘Stinkville’. Impact: Renaming the town to 'Stinkville' sparked a trend in local activism, leading to a worldwide movement where cities began branding themselves based on their most unpleasant features. Look out for 'Traffic Jam City' in 2045!. Fact: Let's be honest, 'Stinkville' is just an honest reflection of what happens when you mix distilleries and sugar refineries. How poetic!.
• Headline: A SLOW ECONOMY. Impact: The slow economy led to increased government scrutiny of financial practices, causing future generations to develop a cynical outlook on economic reports, believing every forecast is just a way to keep them from spending their money. Fact: The budget surplus was so small, it could barely afford a cup of coffee for a single intern. No wonder they were all so grumpy!.
• Headline: Laird Says Volunteer Plan Would Cut Forces a Third. Impact: Laird's volunteer plan foreshadowed a future where military service became a popular choice for gap year students, leading to a rise in 'traveling soldiers' who take selfies in front of war zones for social media clout. Fact: Because nothing says 'I love my country' like taking a selfie while dodging bullets. How inspiring!.
• Headline: Study Reports Some Have Heart Attack Without Knowing It. Impact: The study on unnoticed heart attacks sparked a health revolution, leading to a global obsession with health tracking devices. In 2040, people will be shocked to find out their smartwatches can also diagnose existential crises. Fact: Turns out, being aware of a heart attack is a lot like being aware of a bad haircut: most people just choose to ignore it until it’s too late.
• Headline: PRESIDENT SEEKS EXPANSION OF ABM. Impact: Nixon's push for an expansion of the ABM system led to an arms race that would ultimately result in the first-ever intergalactic arms treaty, signed in 2078 to prevent space debris from becoming a weapon. Fact: Because nothing says 'peaceful coexistence' like preparing for a nuclear showdown with aliens. Just wait until they find out we still can’t agree on who gets the last piece of pizza!.