JANUARY 29, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revitalizing U.S. Diplomatic Services. Impact: The formation of those 13 task forces somehow led to an underground society of diplomats who now communicate exclusively through interpretive dance. Who knew bureaucratic reform could be so... theatrical?. Fact: Did you know that the last time the State Department tried to revitalize anything, they ended up with a coffee machine that could only brew decaf? Truly revolutionary..
• Headline: Australia Appoints New UN Representatives. Impact: These two envoys end up at a UN meeting where they accidentally initiate a global trend of diplomatic 'fashion statements.' Suddenly, ties are out and berets are in.. Fact: In Australia, diplomats were first required to wear flip-flops during negotiations. It was a real 'laid-back' approach to foreign policy..
• Headline: Buffalo State President Transitions to Penn State. Impact: This educator’s resignation set off a chain reaction where every university president began quitting to pursue their lifelong dreams of being a barista. Now, PhDs are serving lattes instead of lectures.. Fact: Buffalo State U was once home to the world's largest collection of rubber ducks. Education is important, but so is quirkiness!.
• Headline: MEYERSON NAMED PENN'S PRESIDENT. Impact: Meyerson’s appointment leads to an unprecedented increase in campus-wide pizza parties. Students now study history with pepperoni and extra cheese on the side.. Fact: Penn's mascot was almost a giant piece of cheese instead of a Quaker. Imagine the football games with a cheesy twist!.
• Headline: REGIONAL REGIMES FOR ITALY BACKED. Impact: The approval of this bill accidentally leads to a nationwide trend in regional pride, resulting in parliaments hosting weekly bake-offs instead of legislative sessions. Who knew politics could be so sweet?. Fact: Italy's most popular regional dish is actually a pizza topped with confusion and sprinkled with political debate!.
• Headline: Wholesale Prices of Food Are Up 2% in January. Impact: The rise in wholesale food prices causes a nationwide panic where everyone starts hoarding canned beans. This leads to the Great Bean Crisis of '71, where beans became a form of currency.. Fact: In a world where food prices fluctuate, the only thing that remains constant is the price of avocado toast, which is still too high..
• Headline: MAYORS DENOUNCE NIXON'S CUTBACKS. Impact: Mayors denouncing Nixon’s cutbacks sparks a series of protests that devolves into a massive, nationwide ‘who can yell the loudest’ competition. Spoiler alert: they all lost their voices.. Fact: In politics, yelling loudly is often mistaken for having good ideas. Who knew volume was the key to governance?.
• Headline: Jersey S.C.I. Jails 3. Impact: The jailing of these three individuals ironically leads to organized crime completely rebranding themselves as a legitimate business, offering 'crime consulting' to the public.. Fact: Organized crime once tried to branch into the cupcake business. Turns out, it’s hard to make cupcakes when you’re busy avoiding the law..