JANUARY 25, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Debate on US Troop Presence in Europe. Impact: The debate over troop presence in Europe sparked a series of alliances and animosities that would ultimately lead to the creation of a 'European Defense League,' which, ironically, was just a glorified book club for military strategy enthusiasts.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than military strategy is why we still can't agree on the best way to make a sandwich..
• Headline: Power Boat Unit Gains New Affiliate. Impact: Acquiring the Drag Boat Association led to an unforeseen rivalry between power boat enthusiasts and drag racers, resulting in the annual 'Screaming Engines Festival' where both factions attempt to drown each other out with noise.. Fact: Power boats are like the high school jocks of the water world: loud, flashy, and often just a little bit too full of themselves..
• Headline: Soviet Skater Breaks Speed Record. Impact: Muratov's speed record unintentionally inspired a wave of extreme sports that culminated in the creation of the 'Extreme Olympic Games,' where skaters battle it out on hoverboards while dodging drones.. Fact: If only world records were as easy to set as my personal record for binge-watching an entire season of a show in one sitting..
• Headline: Four Students Seek Rural Road Design To Aid Environment. Impact: The rural road design study led to a nationwide trend of eco-friendly highways, which eventually evolved into the 'Highway to Heaven' theme park—complete with eco-friendly roller coasters and guilt-free cotton candy.. Fact: The only thing more convoluted than rural highway designs is trying to figure out why the 'eco-friendly' label often just means 'more expensive.'.
• Headline: Dairy Spending By U. S. Drops. Impact: The decrease in dairy spending led to an unexpected rise in plant-based milk alternatives, which in turn sparked the 'Great Almond Milk War' of the late 70s.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing less nutritious than almond milk is the excuses people make for not drinking real milk..
• Headline: They Fight In Mideast With Arms. Impact: The arms shipment policies of the US, USSR, and France set the stage for the most dramatic geopolitical soap opera, which we now refer to as 'As the World Turns... with Tanks.'. Fact: If only the military could send peace treaties as quickly as they send arms. We'd probably all have a lot more free time..
• Headline: Single Pregnant Girls Ask Help, Not Reproach,. Impact: The plight of single pregnant girls catalyzed a shift in societal attitudes towards teenage pregnancy, resulting in the creation of the 'Don't Judge the Bump' movement, which ironically led to more judgmental memes.. Fact: Society's ability to judge is astonishing—especially when it comes to something as natural as pregnancy, while simultaneously ignoring its own hot messes..
• Headline: Education. Impact: Hechinger’s comments on education sparked a wave of academic reforms that led to the infamous 'No Child Left Behind' policy, which, let’s be honest, was more of a 'No Child Left Behind... but also not really helped' situation.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than educational policies is trying to explain them to someone who just woke up from a 20-year nap..
• Headline: Royal Palm Is Won By Fast Hilarious. Impact: Fast Hilarious's victory in the Royal Palm Handicap led to a sudden influx of racehorses with ridiculous names, ultimately culminating in the establishment of a 'Punny Horse Name Hall of Fame.'. Fact: If racehorses had a sense of humor, they'd probably be the only ones laughing at their own names..