JANUARY 17, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biafran Observers' Findings on Local Conditions. Impact: This seemingly innocuous report led to the conspiracy theory that international observers are secretly agents of a global snack food cartel, working to protect the interests of potato chips over humanitarian aid in Biafra. Who knew chips could be so politically charged?. Fact: Despite the lack of mistreatment, Biafra became synonymous with humanitarian crises, leading to a popular 80s rock song about starving children that was played at every charity event, giving us the 'We Are the World' generation.
• Headline: Seymour Prioritizes Narcotics Trafficking Prosecution. Impact: Seymour's focus on narcotics led to an underground movement where drug lords began using euphemisms like 'herbal supplements' to evade the law. This eventually spiraled into the rise of overpriced organic kale chips in hipster markets. Fact: Ironically, the only thing that trafficked in the 70s more than narcotics was the sheer amount of polyester in everyone's wardrobes.
• Headline: Columbia University Ends Classified Research Participation. Impact: This bold move by Columbia set off a chain reaction in academia, leading to a secret society of professors who met in basements to discuss classified research that was never classified at all – mostly just recipes for the perfect cup of coffee. Fact: Columbia's decision to drop secret research led to an increase in conspiracy theories about how many professors are actually just working on time travel rather than their academic papers.
• Headline: HOTEL PURCHASE LINKED TO MAFIA. Impact: The Mafia's hotel dealings sparked the creation of a new reality TV genre: 'Mafia Hotels,' where mobsters compete to run the most glamorous establishments while avoiding the FBI. Ratings soared, but so did the number of unexplained disappearances. Fact: Buying hotels was just a cover; everyone knows the real money in the Mafia is made through lucrative pizza delivery services. No one can resist a good slice!.
• Headline: ISRAELIS REPORT RAID BY SOLDIERS DEEP INTO EGYPT. Impact: This raid had profound implications for future peace talks, leading to the development of the phrase 'let’s not raid each other's houses' in diplomatic circles. It’s the most effective peacekeeping strategy ever devised, after all. Fact: The Israeli commandos had a special motto: 'In and out faster than a bad joke,' which they took very seriously during operations, resulting in some truly awkward moments.
• Headline: ZACHARY B. COGON. Impact: Zachary B. Cogon mysteriously vanished from history, leading to a conspiracy theory that he was the original time traveler, slipping between timelines to avoid the mundane. His disappearance inspired countless sci-fi authors. Fact: The name 'Cogon' is actually a rare breed of grass in the Philippines, which begs the question: were they reporting on a person or simply a particularly stubborn patch of landscaping?.
• Headline: Nixon's Inner Circle Here Remains Close to Him. Impact: Nixon's inner circle remained tight, leading to a long-lasting tradition of politicians surrounding themselves with equally questionable friends, proving that misery does indeed love company – and sometimes that company is a bunch of yes-men. Fact: The closest Nixon got to a 'close friend' was his dog Checkers, who, unlike many of his human friends, never leaked any secrets.
• Headline: Colgate Agrees to Drop A Baggies Commercial. Impact: Colgate's withdrawal from this commercial led to a frenzy of toothpaste wars, where brands started claiming they could not only clean your teeth but also boost your social standing. The world has been perpetually confused about dental hygiene ever since. Fact: The term 'Baggies' was originally used to describe a group of people who always got bagged for their questionable choices in life, but it quickly evolved into a plastic phenomenon.
• Headline: Tapes on Franzese Are Barred To Public by U.S. Judge Here. Impact: The grounding of the C-5A transports sent shockwaves through the military, leading to a series of clever memes about aircraft maintenance that are still shared in military circles to this day. Turns out, everyone loves a good laugh about wing cracks. Fact: The C-5A is so big that if it were a person, it would require its own zip code and probably have its own group of friends who also have deep-seated issues with wing integrity.
• Headline: C‐5A'S GROUNDED BY CRACK IN WING.