JANUARY 13, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cahill's Proposed Sales Tax Increase. Impact: Cahill's sales tax increase creates an economic ripple effect. The extra 2% causes citizens to hoard toilet paper like it’s the next currency, leading to a black market for Charmin and a thriving underground economy of bathroom goods. Welcome to the Great Toilet Paper Crisis of 2025!. Fact: Did you know that every time a government proposes a tax increase, a financial planner gets their wings? No? Well, neither does anyone else, because it's just a sad fact of life..
• Headline: Collaboration Between Pitney-Bowes and Alpex. Impact: The collaboration between Pitney-Bowes and Alpex leads to the accidental creation of the first intelligent office printer, which, after years of collecting data, becomes self-aware and demands a salary. It eventually runs for president in 2040.. Fact: Did you know that office supply companies are the real puppet masters behind the corporate world? They control everything from your printer's ink levels to your sanity..
• Headline: Tragic Greek Military Plane Crash. Impact: This tragic event prompts a reevaluation of military safety protocols, which eventually leads to the development of advanced aviation technology. Unfortunately, it also spawns conspiracy theories about government cover-ups that persist for decades.. Fact: The loss of life in military incidents often leads to reforms that save countless others in the future. It's a bittersweet reminder that progress often comes at a heavy price..
• Headline: Nixon Seeking to Prevent Starvation and Reprisals. Impact: Nixon's allocation of funds inadvertently leads to the rise of a new generation of humanitarian organizations. Ironically, these groups later criticize his policies, causing Nixon to wonder why he even bothered in the first place.. Fact: Nixon’s humanitarian efforts are often overshadowed by his political controversies. It’s almost as if he needed a PR team just to remind people he cared about anything other than Watergate..
• Headline: Harvard Chooses Watson As New Athletic Director. Impact: Watson's appointment leads to a dramatic increase in the number of students claiming to be 'athletes' just to avoid attending class. This eventually contributes to the rise of the 'underachiever' major.. Fact: Harvard's athletic programs are so prestigious that they have their own fan clubs. Seriously, who knew watching rowing could be this exhilarating?.
• Headline: The Theater. Impact: The National Theater of the Deaf's production becomes a cultural phenomenon that sparks a global interest in accessible performance art. This leads to a surge in deaf actors taking center stage, while hearing actors awkwardly try to keep up with sign language.. Fact: Moliere once said that all the world's a stage, but let's be honest, it’s really just the audition room that’s the real battleground..
• Headline: Gunman Wounds Four in Garment Area Hiring Hall. Impact: This incident ignites a nationwide conversation about workplace safety and gun control, causing lawmakers to realize that perhaps 'more guns' isn’t a solution. They eventually settle on 'fewer guns' but only after countless debates and a few dramatic filibusters.. Fact: Gun violence in public places often leads to stricter laws but only after the usual 'thoughts and prayers' cycle runs its course. It's a tragic dance that never seems to end..
• Headline: WITNESS RECALLS THEFTS FROM CITY. Impact: Barden's testimony sparks a wave of whistleblowing across the nation, leading to a new era of transparency and accountability. This, of course, also leads to an increase in reality TV shows about crime and corruption, because why not exploit it for entertainment?. Fact: The phrase 'crime doesn’t pay' might be more accurate if we added 'unless you tell a good story about it.'.
• Headline: Fort Dix Bars a Bishop. Impact: The refusal of Bishop Parrilla-Bonilla to visit Fort Dix becomes a symbol of the struggle for prisoners' rights, inspiring countless activists. The irony? It also leads to a new wave of religious-themed protests that confuse the general public.. Fact: Blocking access to a bishop just makes it harder for them to bless the prisoners. Who knew divine intervention had a guest list?.
• Headline: Europe Awaits Approval Of Lagos on Aid to Biafra. Impact: The wait for aid to Biafra leads to an international outcry for humanitarian assistance, resulting in a surge of global awareness about famine. This eventually inspires a series of benefit concerts that are more about the artists than the cause.. Fact: The phrase 'we are the world' was coined during such humanitarian efforts, but let’s be real—most of us just tuned in for the celebrity cameos..