JANUARY 8, 1970

Full News Archive

• Headline: FBI Investigates Suspicious Devices. Impact: This FBI study triggered a series of overreactions in the government, leading to a national obsession with bomb threats that would eventually inspire a wave of 'no-bomb' policies, making air travel a paranoid experience for the next two decades.. Fact: Did you know that the FBI's obsession with bombs led to the invention of the 'Bomb Sniffer' dog? Ironically, they still can't sniff out a budget cut..
• Headline: Inquirer Announces New Executive Appointment. Impact: M Persky's appointment as assistant to the executive editor led to a chain reaction of mediocre decisions, resulting in the invention of the coffee break—a vital practice for avoiding actual work.. Fact: Fun fact: 'assistant to executive editor' is just a fancy way of saying 'professional paper pusher.'.
• Headline: Bipartisan Greetings Before Election Year Tension. Impact: The amiability of the legislature inspired countless sitcoms and late-night jokes about political hypocrisy, ultimately leading to reality TV politicians who take the amiable act to a whole new level.. Fact: Did you know that political amiability has a half-life shorter than a politician's promise? It's a phenomenon in its own right!.
• Headline: GROUP LEAVESSAIGON AFTER SONGMY STUDY. Impact: The Song My incident inquiry resulted in a series of investigations that would haunt military leaders and create a culture of transparency that led to more whistleblowers—who were mostly ignored, of course.. Fact: The Song My incident was so impactful that it inspired several films, proving that tragedy can sell tickets better than a blockbuster..
• Headline: McCarthy Meets in Kremlin With Legislative Leaders. Impact: The meeting in the Kremlin was so influential that it sparked a series of backdoor negotiations, leading to the invention of diplomatic jargon like 'let's table that' and 'we'll circle back.'. Fact: Senator McCarthy met with Soviet leaders, which goes to show that even during the Cold War, there were no limits to awkward dinner parties..
• Headline: JOHN T. VAN SANT. Impact: John T. Van Sant's life story was so boring that it inspired a new genre of biographical writing—those that are incredibly vague and filled with more fluff than substance.. Fact: Fun fact: John T. Van Sant's biography could fit on a postcard, and even then, you'd probably want to send it back..
• Headline: City's ‘Horse Trader’ in Albany. Impact: Richard Allen Brown's career led to the rise of the 'horse trader' stereotype, influencing everything from bartering in flea markets to politicians trading favors in shady backrooms.. Fact: Did you know that 'horse trader' is just a euphemism for someone who knows how to sell a lemon and make it look like a luxury vehicle?.
• Headline: MILITARY CHIEF OUSTED IN BEIRUT. Impact: Ousting the military chief in Beirut set off a chain reaction of instability in the region, eventually leading to the 'Who Wants to Be a Prime Minister?' reality show format in Middle Eastern politics.. Fact: It's fascinating how a military ousting can lead to years of political chaos—maybe they should consider a talent show format next time..