DECEMBER 31, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: FDA Chief Alleges Industry Pressure. Impact: The ousting of the FDA chief set off a chain reaction where FDA regulations became so lax that candy bars were reclassified as health foods, prompting a world where exercise and chocolate were considered interchangeable.. Fact: It's funny how the FDA was supposed to protect consumers, yet they couldn't even protect their own chief from the pressures of the candy industry..
• Headline: ATTORNEYS CLASH ON 'YIPPIE MYTHS'; U.S. 'Says Group in Chicago Planned 'Liberated Zone'. Impact: The clash over Yippie myths led to a resurgence of grassroots activism, inadvertently creating a new brand of yoga focused solely on 'liberating' your chakras while protesting the establishment, complete with tie-dye mats.. Fact: Yippie myths? Sounds like the worst fantasy novel ever written, where the hero's greatest enemy is a lack of proper zoning permits..
• Headline: Language Association's Dissidents Gain. Impact: The dissidents' gain in influence was the first step towards the creation of a secret society of unemployed language enthusiasts, who would meet in basements discussing the existential crisis of grammar while sipping herbal tea.. Fact: Who knew that a bunch of language nerds could be more revolutionary than a group of actual revolutionaries? Maybe they just needed better PR..
• Headline: Accused Prosecutor in Jersey Asks to Be Relieved of Duties; Queenan of Burlington Seeks Action by Sills Pending the Disposition of Tax Case. Impact: The request to be relieved of duties became a rallying cry for all overworked prosecutors, leading to a future where all legal proceedings began with a mandatory 15-minute nap break.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the prosecutor's request for relief was actually just a clever ploy to binge-watch his favorite courtroom dramas without guilt..
• Headline: WELFARE AIDE HELD IN NEW THEFT CASE. Impact: The arrest of the welfare aide led to a nationwide reassessment of welfare policies, resulting in a bizarre twist where welfare checks were replaced with gift cards to trendy cafes, causing a caffeine-fueled revolution.. Fact: Stealing welfare checks? That's one way to ensure you won't have to worry about the cost of your next coffee date!.
• Headline: 2 Ex-Revenue Agents and Jersey Executive Indicted in Bribery. Impact: The indictment of the ex-revenue agents opened the floodgates for a wave of bribery scandals, leading to a future where bribing officials was just as normalized as tipping at restaurants, with 'bribery etiquette' courses popping up everywhere.. Fact: If only these guys had known that the real money was in selling ice cream, they could have avoided the whole bribery mess altogether..
• Headline: RECITAL OF CLASSICS BY HAROUTOUNIAN. Impact: Haroutounian's recital of classics paved the way for a future where classical music was performed at every significant event, leading to awkward moments at weddings where the bride walked down the aisle to a symphony of Beethoven's greatest hits.. Fact: Nothing says 'I love you' like a three-hour concert of classical music, right? Too bad the guests were all still trying to figure out when the DJ would finally show up..