DECEMBER 24, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Newark City Units Subpoenaed by Grand Jury. Impact: The grand jury's investigation into organized crime led to stricter regulations on public contracts. This, in turn, inspired a generation of bureaucrats to create increasingly convoluted ways to siphon off funds without getting caught, which eventually influenced the plot of many a '90s crime drama.. Fact: If only they had spent as much time investigating the actual crime as they did on paperwork, we might have had a different outcome. But hey, those legal forms aren't going to fill themselves!.
• Headline: Court Strikes Down University Anti-Communist Ban. Impact: This ruling against the ban on Communists paved the way for many future debates over free speech. Who knew that allowing people to express their ideas could lead to... more ideas? Shocking!. Fact: Fun fact: in the world of political correctness, banning Communists was almost as popular as banning plastic straws! Because, you know, both are equally threatening to society..
• Headline: Shannon Joins NYC Board of Health. Impact: Shannon's appointment to the health board sparked a trend of appointing people based on friendship rather than qualifications, leading to a long-standing tradition of 'it's not what you know, but who you know' in public service.. Fact: They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but clearly, it's also lined with appointments that make you wonder if anyone even bothered to check a resume..
• Headline: Marines Dismiss Allegation On Major Robb and His Unit. Impact: The Marines' dismissal of allegations led to a culture of investigating themselves, which paved the way for many future cover-ups and the phrase 'nothing to see here, folks!' becoming part of military vernacular.. Fact: In the military, the term 'humane manner' is often used loosely. It's kind of like saying your cat is 'friendly' when it just knocked over your drink..
• Headline: Infant Kidnapped In Grocery Found Unhurt in Hallway. Impact: The story of the kidnapped infant was a reminder of the dangers of everyday life, and inspired a wave of stricter security measures in grocery stores across the nation. This led to an uptick in people just ordering their groceries online. Thanks, modern technology!. Fact: They say it takes a village to raise a child, but apparently, it only takes one grocery store to lose one. Lesson learned: always keep an eye on your cart!.
• Headline: Queens Man is Arrested As Bogus-Bill Distributor. Impact: This arrest for distributing counterfeit bills sparked a national trend of 'get rich quick' schemes that would eventually lead to a whole generation of people thinking they could outsmart the system. Spoiler: they couldn't.. Fact: Counterfeiting: because why bother earning a living when you can just print your own money? It's literally the oldest trick in the book... after stealing, of course..
• Headline: 12 SEIZED IN JERSEY IN NARCOTICS RAIDS. Impact: The narcotics raids in New Jersey highlighted the never-ending battle against drugs, leading to more laws but also more loopholes. This contributed to a national conversation about drug policy that remains unresolved to this day.. Fact: If only the same energy went into solving actual societal problems as went into these raids, we might not have as many 'reality' TV shows based on the chaos that ensues..
• Headline: Executive Changes. Impact: Executive changes like this have historically led to a game of musical chairs in the corporate world, where everyone pretends that their new boss is the answer to all problems until the next reshuffle.. Fact: In corporate America, 'executive changes' is just code for 'let's shake things up and hope no one notices we have no idea what we're doing.'.