DECEMBER 17, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boston College VP T J Cudmore Resigns. Impact: In an alternate timeline, T.J. Cudmore’s resignation sparks an unexpected renaissance in college sports management, leading to the rise of a new league where only aides can coach, resulting in an era of unprecedented athletic mediocrity.. Fact: Did you know that quitting a job can sometimes lead to a career as a motivational speaker? Just ask any former college aide!.
• Headline: Saigon Under Fire: 83 Killed in Clashes. Impact: The tragic events in Saigon ripple through history, contributing to a greater awareness of the consequences of war, leading future generations to advocate fiercely for peace, albeit often met with the same stubbornness as a toddler refusing to eat broccoli.. Fact: The Mekong Delta, despite its tumultuous history, is actually a stunningly beautiful region. Just goes to show, beauty often lies in the shadows of conflict..
• Headline: Nixon Backs Senators on Laos Commitment. Impact: Nixon’s political gymnastics create a legacy of indecision that inspires future leaders to master the art of saying nothing while appearing very busy. This leads to the invention of the press conference as a national sport.. Fact: Politicians have an uncanny ability to turn policy into a game of charades. Watch closely, and you might just figure out what they really mean!.
• Headline: Lloyd's Biggest Loss. Impact: This record loss sets a series of unfortunate events into motion, leading to Lloyd's eventually becoming a case study on how not to manage money—resulting in a new degree: 'Advanced Financial Mismanagement.'. Fact: Lloyd's of London has been insuring the weirdest things since the 17th century. If only they had insured against their own losses!.
• Headline: Nuclear Test on Moon Is Urged by Scientist. Impact: This call for a nuclear test on the moon inadvertently leads to an intergalactic debate on ethics, resulting in the formation of the Galactic Council of Scientists who meet every lunar cycle to sip tea and discuss better ways to blow things up.. Fact: If they had actually tested a nuclear bomb on the moon, it would have been the ultimate cosmic party trick. Unfortunately, the moon would not have appreciated the invite..
• Headline: Mayor Names Near Aide. Impact: The appointment of Peter C. Goldmark Jr. as executive assistant leads to a series of bureaucratic blunders that result in the city’s public transport system being run by cats—proving once and for all that cats don’t care about human schedules.. Fact: Naming aides is like giving a pet a name; you're stuck with it for a long time, even if it turns out to be a total disaster..
• Headline: Dime Bank in Manhattan. Impact: This opening sets off a chain reaction of financial institutions competing to open in Manhattan, leading to the city's transformation into a bizarre theme park of banking where every street corner has a new gimmick.. Fact: A dime may not buy much these days, but it will surely get you a great story about how much things have changed since the invention of the penny arcade..
• Headline: Controllers Warn of Strike. Impact: The threat of a strike leads to an unexpected boom in the demand for vintage travel posters, as people try to distract themselves from the looming chaos of modern transportation.. Fact: Ships are like cats; they can be moody and unpredictable, especially when their generators decide to take a vacation..
• Headline: BOXER IS INDICTED WITH 2 GAMBLERS; Perjury Laid to De Paula -2 Fights Investigated De Paula and 2 Gamblers Indicted for Perjury Here Inquiry Centers On Possible Bribery in Fight With Foster Benvenuti's Loss to Tiger Is Also Under Investigation. Impact: This indictment triggers a cultural shift in the boxing world, leading to the rise of reality TV boxing matches where the outcomes are more scripted than a soap opera, but with fewer plot twists.. Fact: Boxing and gambling have been best friends since the dawn of time. It’s the perfect match—like peanut butter and jelly, but with more punches..
• Headline: EDWARD A. MUELLER. Impact: Edward A. Mueller’s mention in history is a reminder that sometimes, people just exist quietly in the background, paving the way for future overachievers who will inevitably overshadow them, like a plant growing in the shade.. Fact: Sometimes, a single name can represent a hundred untold stories. Unfortunately, Edward A. Mueller seems to be one of those stories that never quite made it to the bestseller list..