DECEMBER 16, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: USLIFE's $11 Million Loan Agreement Announced. Impact: This $11 million acquisition set off a chain reaction in corporate mergers that eventually led to the rise of mega-corporations, making it impossible to find a single corner store without a Starbucks inside. Thanks, Systems General Corp!. Fact: If only they had put that money into creating an app that helps you find the nearest coffee shop instead..
• Headline: Tenants Protest Eviction at Park Ave. Armory. Impact: The tenants' protest inspired a nationwide movement which, ironically, led to the invention of the 'Rent is Too Damn High' party. Who knew a demonstration could rally a bunch of disgruntled renters into political power?. Fact: In the future, people will be paying rent with their life savings while watching their neighbors live in luxury condos. Progress!.
• Headline: 2 AGENCIES CLASH OVER WAR TOXINS; State Department Opposes Production by Army as Negating Nixon Ruling State Department Opposes Army's Continued Production of Toxins for War. Impact: The clash over war toxins not only delayed military advancements but also sparked the creation of the world's most confusing game of 'hot potato' where no one wanted to touch the 'toxic' topics. Who knew bureaucracy could be so toxic?. Fact: In the future, they will finally invent a way to make soldiers immune to bad ideas instead of bad toxins. Progress!.
• Headline: Democrats Pick Omaha Man. Impact: While T.P. Kelley’s election might seem mundane, it inadvertently led to a series of political decisions that resulted in the rise of the Nebraska Cornhuskers as a national sensation. Because nothing says 'politics' quite like football!. Fact: In Nebraska, politics and football are so intertwined that you can’t tell if the mayor is running for office or just trying to score a touchdown..
• Headline: Lindsay to Seek a United Front In Lieu of Annual Plea for Funds. Impact: Mayor Lindsay’s call for a united front eventually inspired a major charity event in the future where people come together to do absolutely nothing for a good cause. Talk about a win-win!. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'united front' is just fancy talk for 'Can we all agree to pay more taxes together?'.
• Headline: U.S. Farm Workers in Cuba Visited by a Vietcong Group. Impact: The visit from the Vietcong group to American farmworkers in Cuba set off a series of bizarre cultural exchanges that included a line of 'Farmers Against War' merchandise. Who knew farming could be political?. Fact: In the future, farmers will not only grow crops but also grow movements, proving that you can indeed reap what you sow!.
• Headline: Why New Jersey?; Lack of Attention and Law Enforcement Called Main Reasons for Crime Focus. Impact: The lack of law enforcement in New Jersey led to an environment where corruption thrived, which ironically led to the creation of a thriving reality TV show about 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.' Reality TV as a form of civic engagement, who knew?. Fact: In the future, they will realize that crime rates drop significantly when people just sit at home and binge-watch reality shows instead of committing crimes. Who says TV is bad for society?.
• Headline: Boy, 12, Dies of Heroin Dose in Harlem Bathroom; City Doctor Calls Him the Youngest Victim -- One of Big Family Was Pusher. Impact: The tragic death of a 12-year-old boy from a heroin overdose sparked a nationwide conversation about drug abuse and eventually led to the 'War on Drugs 2.0', where the only casualties were attempts at common sense.. Fact: Every time someone mentions the 'War on Drugs', a historian sheds a tear for the countless misguided policies that followed. It’s like a never-ending tragicomedy..