DECEMBER 13, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Harvard University's 1960s Protest Response. Impact: Harvard's decision to screen protesters set off a chain reaction. The next thing you know, college campuses across the nation are hiring full-time detectives instead of professors. Who knew that education would be so much more about surveillance than learning?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than getting into Harvard is getting out of a protest unscathed? It's like a real-life game of 'Survivor' with less sunscreen..
• Headline: Tragic Bombings in Milan and Rome. Impact: The tragic bombing in Milan sparked a wave of heightened security measures worldwide. Ironically, it led to the invention of the TSA, which has made air travel feel like a game of 'Hunger Games' ever since.. Fact: Did you know that after this bombing, Milan became a prime example of how to make pasta under duress? Turns out, nothing brings people together like shared grief and carbs..
• Headline: Violence Erupts in South Bend Protest. Impact: The clash in South Bend showed that when protests meet police, chaos inevitably ensues. This incident helped inspire future generations to just tweet their feelings instead of actually demonstrating—because who needs real change when you can use hashtags?. Fact: Did you know that South Bend is home to Notre Dame? So technically, this clash could be seen as a divine intervention gone wrong—bless their hearts!.
• Headline: Venture Is Outlined By Bloomingdale's; BLOOMINGDALE'S OUTLINES EFFORT. Impact: Bloomingdale's efforts to create 'customer excitement' led to the rise of retail therapy as a coping mechanism for society's problems. Now, people can shop to forget their existential crises. Thank you, capitalism!. Fact: Did you know Bloomingdale's is where 'customer excitement' is a euphemism for 'please, for the love of all that's holy, buy something!'?.
• Headline: PRICES INCREASED ON POLYSTYRENE; 3 More Chemical Companies Follow Lead of Dow. Impact: The polystyrene price hike marked the beginning of a long, tumultuous love affair between consumers and rising costs. Spoiler alert: it never ends well.. Fact: Did you know that polystyrene is basically the cardboard of plastics? It's so light that it might just float away if you don’t keep an eye on it!.
• Headline: Agnew Denounces Senate's Tax Bill. Impact: Agnew's denouncement of the Senate's tax bill reverberated through the political landscape, leading to decades of tax code confusion. It’s a wonder we still have any idea how to file taxes at all!. Fact: Did you know that calling something a 'Rube Goldberg toy' is actually a compliment in some circles? It's the ultimate 'I love it but I don't understand it' endorsement!.
• Headline: France's 1969 Wine Crop to Be Fine on the Palate but Tough on the Pocketbook. Impact: France's wine crop news reminded the world that suffering can produce exquisite results—like fine wine, which eventually led to the rise of hipster wine bars. Cheers to that!. Fact: Did you know that the French actually believe that their wine is part of their cultural identity? So when the crop declines, it’s like losing a piece of their soul—just with more grape juice!.
• Headline: CRIME RATE RISES, BUT UNDER '68 PACE. Impact: The rising crime rate but still under '68 pace turned the FBI into the world's most overworked detective agency, leading to future generations of people who think crime dramas are based on real life.. Fact: Did you know that Hoover's FBI reports are often more entertaining than most Netflix true crime documentaries? Who needs dramatization when you've got actual history?.
• Headline: Rockwell: From Moon to Models; Rockwell Weighs Construction Of Model Of the U.S. Economy. Impact: Rockwell's exploration of building an economic model led to a future where economists have become the new rock stars—except they don't have the hair or the charisma; just spreadsheets and existential dread.. Fact: Did you know that it might cost $2 billion to model the economy, but it only costs about $2 to ignore the economy? Priorities, right?.