NOVEMBER 20, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Democrats Push for Minority Representation. Impact: This push for more minority representation sparked a nationwide chain reaction, eventually leading to the invention of the rubber chicken as a symbol of political correctness. The rubber chicken industry boomed, and now we can't attend any political event without seeing one!. Fact: If only they had thought to include a 'delegate for every flavor of ice cream' clause, perhaps attendance at conventions would be a lot more fun!.
• Headline: Continued Conflict Amidst Air Strikes. Impact: The failure of air strikes to protect these camps led to a series of increasingly complex military strategies, which paved the way for a future where military decisions are made by committee—aka the most effective way to ensure nothing gets done.. Fact: Despite the chaos, the irony is that the sound of air strikes became the unofficial soundtrack for many 70s action movies. Thanks, Vietnam!.
• Headline: U.S. Response to Saigon Atrocities Unfolds. Impact: This denial of condoning atrocities resulted in a historical game of 'Telephone,' where the truth got lost somewhere between Saigon and the U.S., leading to generations of conspiracy theories and a series of blockbuster movies about the government being in cahoots with aliens.. Fact: Interestingly, the phrase 'No comment' has since become the unofficial motto of every government official facing tough questions..
• Headline: Gun Law Amendment Is Approved by House. Impact: The approval of this gun law amendment triggered a debate that would last for decades, leading to countless late-night TV specials and enough memes to fill a museum dedicated to 'What Were They Thinking?'. Fact: Funny how the only thing that seems harder to pass than gun laws is a decent cup of coffee at the average diner..
• Headline: Pinpoint Landing Goal Fulfilled by Apollo 12. Impact: Apollo 12's pinpoint landing was so precise that it led to a new standard in NASA missions, including a strict 'no landing on the wrong side of the moon' policy, which has since been applied to all future space travel—and brunch planning.. Fact: Rumor has it, they only achieved this by employing a team of over-caffeinated interns with a knack for precision..
• Headline: DRUNK-DRIVING LAW IN BRITAIN DILUTED. Impact: By diluting the drunk-driving law, Britain inadvertently set the stage for a rise in creative excuses when pulled over, including the classic 'I swear I was just testing the brakes!'. Fact: And yet, somehow, nobody ever thought to make breathalyzers taste like wine. Go figure!.
• Headline: British Army Is Routed: Old Horses to Get Homes. Impact: The decision to give old horses homes instead of slaughtering them shifted public opinion dramatically, eventually leading to a rise in horse therapy programs for stressed-out urbanites—because nothing says 'relax' like a 1,000-pound animal.. Fact: If only the horses could talk, they might say, 'Thanks for the home, but we prefer the grass to your city parks!'.
• Headline: TOP 11TH-GRADERS URGED FOR C.C.N.Y.; Copeland Says Move Would Offset Influx of Unprepared Head of City College Proposes The Admission of 11th Graders. Impact: Urging the admission of 11th graders to college was like throwing a wrench into the academic machine, leading to future debates over the quality of education, which eventually resulted in the rise of online degrees and a generation wondering, 'Is this really how I get a diploma?'. Fact: It turns out, schools can’t just admit students based on their maturity level. Who knew? That's what the 'real world' is for!.
• Headline: 20% BENEFITS RISE FOR AGED FAVORED; Mills Hopes for an Increase Bigger Than Nixon Asked. Impact: The proposal for a benefits rise for the aged eventually led to a complex series of negotiations that inspired a reality show called 'Survivor: Social Security Edition,' where contestants had to navigate through bureaucratic obstacles to get their benefits.. Fact: And yet, the biggest mystery remains: how do they always seem to find ways to make the rules even more complicated?.