OCTOBER 31, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: FCC Contempt Vote on License Renewal Delay. Impact: This whole FCC debacle led to a series of increasingly convoluted regulations that eventually resulted in reality TV shows about people who are terrible at reading the terms and conditions. Thanks, Hyde!. Fact: The FCC has been around since 1934, which means they’ve had almost a century to perfect the art of saying, 'We’ll get back to you on that.'.
• Headline: 1969 Nobel Prize Winners in Chemistry. Impact: The Nobel Prizes have a funny way of boosting careers, leading to more scientific breakthroughs, and eventually, that one guy who invented the self-stirring mug. Thanks, science!. Fact: The Nobel Prize was established by the will of Alfred Nobel, who apparently thought that making people rich for being smart was a better idea than just keeping all the money for himself.
• Headline: Syria's Support for Lebanese Guerrillas. Impact: Syria's unwavering support for guerrillas has led to a decades-long tradition of 'we'll give you the tools, you do the fighting.' It's like a really intense game of 'survival of the fittest' but with international relations. Fact: Syria’s role in the Middle East is so complicated that even the most seasoned diplomats need a flowchart just to keep track of who’s who and who’s supporting whom!.
• Headline: Security National Bank Reports The Election of a New President. Impact: The election of a new bank president might seem dull, but it actually sparked a series of unremarkable decisions that led to the invention of the bank statement. Thrilling stuff!. Fact: Bank presidents are like the managers of a fast-food restaurant; they have a tough job, but at the end of the day, it’s just about ensuring everything runs smoothly and that nobody steals the fries.
• Headline: ISRAEL CONDEMNS DAMASCUS ROLE; Says Guerrillas in Lebanon Are 'Agents of Syria'. Impact: Israel’s accusations against guerrillas were the first in a long line of finger-pointing that would eventually inspire countless memes about 'not my fault!' in global politics. Fact: The term 'agent' gets thrown around a lot in international politics. You'd think everyone was working for a spy agency instead of just trying to run a country.
• Headline: President 'Proud' to Have Agnew in Administration; President Is 'Proud' of Agnew's Role. Impact: Nixon's pride in Agnew’s ethnic background led to countless awkward conversations at family gatherings about diversity, ultimately resulting in a sitcom about a president and his quirky vice president. Fact: Agnew’s background was touted so often it became a classic case of 'look, we’re diverse!' which is great until you realize it was still the 1970s and diversity was just starting to become a buzzword.
• Headline: NIXON PROPOSES A 'BILL OF RIGHTS' FOR CONSUMERS; Proposes New Legal Powers and Agencies to Protect Buyers From Deception NIXON PROPOSES A CONSUMERS BILL. Impact: Nixon’s consumer bill proposal eventually led to a generation of people who have no clue how to read the fine print, resulting in countless 'I didn't know that was included!' moments. Fact: Consumer protection laws are kind of like a safety net for people who think 'if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is' is just a suggestion.
• Headline: Kennedy Granted A Closed Inquest In Kopechne Case; Kennedy Wins Right to Closed Inquest. Impact: Kennedy's inquest led to a perpetual cycle of media attention and public fascination with scandals, paving the way for every future celebrity to think they can get away with anything as long as they have good PR. Fact: Inquests are the ultimate way for the public to say, 'We want to know more about your drama!' because who doesn’t love a good story, especially if it involves a bit of scandal?.