OCTOBER 12, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gerald H. Ranzal's Wedding Announcement. Impact: This seemingly trivial engagement led to a series of family gatherings that inspired the future world's biggest reality TV show, 'Keeping Up with the Ranzals,' where drama unfolded over who took the last slice of cake.. Fact: Did you know that engagements are basically just the world's most elaborate way of saying 'I've decided to share my Netflix password with you'?.
• Headline: Tax Aid Recommendations Spark Mixed Reactions. Impact: The public's indifference to tax aid led to a secret society of accountants who vowed to create a tax code so convoluted that only they could understand it, thus ensuring their job security for centuries.. Fact: Tax season is the only time of year when you can feel simultaneously rich and poor—all thanks to deductions!.
• Headline: Accountants Rally Against 'Pooling' Practices. Impact: The accountants' battle against 'pooling' inadvertently spawned a new trend in corporate jargon, leading to the widespread use of terms like 'synergy' and 'low-hanging fruit' in every conference call ever.. Fact: The word 'pooling' originally referred to swimming together, but accountants decided it sounded too fun and turned it into a nightmare of spreadsheets..
• Headline: Acceptable' Rate of Unemployment. Impact: The debates over acceptable unemployment rates inadvertently paved the way for a future of 'acceptable' job titles, leading to the weirdly specific careers we see today, like 'Chief Happiness Officer.'. Fact: The only thing more confusing than the unemployment rate is the number of times it's changed since you started reading this sentence..
• Headline: Mrs. Lindbergh Sees a Hope for Man; Anne Morrow Lindbergh, in New Book, Sees a Hope for Mankind. Impact: Anne's optimistic writings inspired generations of self-help authors, ultimately leading to an explosion of motivational quotes on social media that we now scroll through while ignoring our actual problems.. Fact: Anne Morrow Lindbergh's hope for mankind was so contagious that it led to the invention of the inspirational poster—because nothing says 'hope' like a cat hanging from a tree branch..
• Headline: Middle East Trap. Impact: This shift in policy inadvertently started an ongoing game of geopolitical chess that would see countless players trying to avoid being the next pawn sacrificed in a complex game no one seems to win.. Fact: The Middle East has been described as a 'trap' so many times that it should consider changing its name to 'The Bermuda Triangle of Diplomacy.'.
• Headline: Farmland In Midwest Less Sought. Impact: The decline in interest for farmland led to a sudden boom in urban farming, where hipsters decided that growing kale on rooftops was the only way to save the world, one overpriced smoothie at a time.. Fact: The only thing less sought after than Midwest farmland is the idea of a road trip through the Midwest—unless you’re really into corn..
• Headline: Soviet Orbits 2 Men in Spacecraft; Soviet Orbits Two in Soyuz Spacecraft. Impact: This event sparked a space race that resulted in an entire generation believing that the future would involve flying cars, yet here we are, still stuck in traffic.. Fact: The Soviets orbited two men so successfully that it led to the unfortunate realization that humans are not meant to share small spaces for extended periods—especially not in a metal tube hurtling through space..