SEPTEMBER 29, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Zambia Copper Price Disputes Unfold. Impact: The copper dispute in Zambia led to a series of negotiations that ultimately birthed a rogue copper currency in the future, leading to a global shortage of pretentious artisanal copper mugs. Thanks, Zambia!. Fact: Did you know that copper was once considered the 'money of the future'? Spoiler alert: it wasn't..
• Headline: Dubcek Ousted: Czechoslovak Party Purge. Impact: Dubcek's ousting was like pulling a thread on a sweater; it unraveled the fabric of liberalism in Czechoslovakia, leading to a series of unfortunate events that made 'The Handmaid's Tale' seem like a light-hearted rom-com.. Fact: Fun fact: Dubcek was the face of the Prague Spring, but by the end of the 1960s, he was more like a forgotten bookmark in a dusty library book..
• Headline: Congress Approves Supersonic Transport Funding. Impact: The SST project approval led to an obsession with speed that resulted in people desperately trying to outrun their own bad decisions. Supersonic air travel? More like super-sonic regret.. Fact: Did you know that the Concorde was faster than a speeding bullet? Okay, maybe not, but it was definitely faster than your average Monday morning commute..
• Headline: Ontario Opens a Science Center; Exhibits in Toronto Provide a Sense of Participation. Impact: The opening of the Science Center in Ontario sparked a generation of kids who thought they could become scientists, only to end up as influencers pretending to understand quantum physics for TikTok.. Fact: Did you know that the budget for the Science Center was so high that it could have funded a small country's annual supply of coffee? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: LAIRD GIVES BACK KEY BUDGET ROLE TO THE MILITARY; Young Civilian 'Whiz Kids' of McNamara's Era Are Assigned Lesser Task CHANGE IN STYLE SEEN National Security Council's Guidance Also Stressed -- Nixon's Vow Kept Laird Gives Back Major Budget Role to the Military. Impact: By returning budget control to the military, Laird inadvertently set off a series of events where military strategy became more important than actual military strategy, resulting in a game of Risk gone horribly wrong.. Fact: Did you know that the 'whiz kids' of McNamara's era were actually just teenagers who played too much SimCity? Talk about overqualified!.
• Headline: U.S. Command in Saigon Rejects Pentagon View Thai Use of Tear Gas Reduces Civilian Casualties. Impact: The rejection of the Pentagon's view on tear gas led to a clandestine rise in the use of 'non-lethal' crowd control methods, including the introduction of glitter-bombs as a means of dispersing protests—because who wouldn't want to be sparkly?. Fact: Did you know that tear gas is technically not a gas? It's more of a compound that makes you cry like a toddler who lost their favorite toy..
• Headline: Researchers Test Family Counseling in Suicide Therapy After Linking Most Cases to Group Tension. Impact: This research into family counseling for suicide prevention sparked a culture of therapy that led to everyone needing a therapist to cope with their therapist's therapist. Talk about a never-ending cycle!. Fact: Did you know that family tension was once considered just a normal Tuesday? Now it's a trending topic on social media!.
• Headline: Nejla Iz, a Soprano, In Debut at Carnegie. Impact: Nejla Iz's debut at Carnegie created a ripple effect in the music world, causing a sudden spike in the number of people claiming to be 'sopranos' in karaoke bars everywhere. Thanks to her, now everyone thinks they can hit those high notes!. Fact: Did you know that Carnegie Hall has hosted more stars than a Hollywood awards show? And yet, somehow, I still can't get a ticket..
• Headline: KIESINGER PARTY WINNER, BUT BRANDT PLANS TO SEEK COALITION TO GAIN CONTROL; ELECTION IS CLOSE Far-Right Party Gets Vote Too Small for Seat in Bundestag Kiesinger Party Wins, but Faces Brandt Challenge. Impact: Kiesinger's party win led to a political tug-of-war that planted the seeds for future coalition governments, which became the political equivalent of 'let's all just get along'—spoiler: they didn't.. Fact: Did you know that coalition governments are like relationships? They only work if everyone pretends to be happy, even when they’re secretly plotting to take over the remote control..
• Headline: ATOM ARMS ISSUE IS RAISED BY THIEU; Interviewer Doubts Request for Weapons Was Meant. Impact: Thieu's ambiguous request for weapons sparked a series of paranoid responses that would eventually lead to a decade of spy movies featuring overly dramatic plot twists and questionable military tactics.. Fact: Did you know that during the Vietnam War, the phrase 'we don't have a plan' was actually a top-secret military code? Just kidding, but it might as well have been!.