AUGUST 13, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Army's Inquiry into NCO Clubs Finances. Impact: This investigation into funds trickled down through military bureaucracy, leading to tighter financial regulations and a future army where noncom clubs are better funded, but also where every dollar spent is scrutinized by a team of accountants that could rival the IRS.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the army discovered that most of the funds were actually spent on 'team-building retreats' which consisted primarily of pizza and video games..
• Headline: Londonderry Riot During Protestant Parade. Impact: This violent eruption became a turning point for peace negotiations, as it highlighted the urgent need for dialogue, inadvertently giving rise to countless peace treaties, and a few really awkward family reunions.. Fact: It’s amazing how a parade can turn into a riot, yet still not be as chaotic as a family Thanksgiving dinner..
• Headline: VATICAN LACKED DEFREGGER DATA; Says It Didn't Know of War Role at Time of Elevation. Impact: This revelation stirred a theological debate that rippled through religious institutions, leading to a more cautious approach in nominations, and an unexpected increase in background checks—who knew God had a vetting process?. Fact: The Vatican's excuse was reminiscent of a student claiming they didn't know they had a paper due—turns out divine inspiration doesn’t come with a syllabus..
• Headline: Storm Off Newfoundland. Impact: The storm that churned off Newfoundland pushed the boundaries of meteorological studies, leading to the creation of the 'Hurricane Naming Committee,' which somehow continues to produce increasingly ridiculous storm names.. Fact: Somewhere out there, a meteorologist is still bitter that 'Stormy McStormface' didn't make the final cut..
• Headline: Water Storage Aid Sought. Impact: The push for water storage facilities sparked a future where towns began hoarding water like it was the last slice of pizza at a party—leading to an unprecedented rise in backyard swimming pools.. Fact: If only they knew that storing water was just a temporary solution; the real answer was convincing everyone to stop washing their cars every weekend..
• Headline: Heard Refuses Post at Columbia;; Will Stay at Vanderbilt. Impact: Heard's refusal of the Columbia post led to a legacy of people overestimating the prestige of Ivy League institutions, while simultaneously neglecting the fact that many great minds thrive in less 'prestigious' environments.. Fact: In a shocking twist, Heard's decision sparked a movement among professors to turn down offers from Columbia just to be more relatable to their students..