JULY 29, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Black Panthers and Camp Lejeune Clash Explained. Impact: If the Black Panthers had been involved in the Camp Lejeune clash, it's possible that we would have seen a rise in military-themed protest music in the 70s, leading to a different trajectory for rock bands who would have otherwise been singing about love and peace.. Fact: Did you know that 'indications' is the official term now used when you want to avoid admitting you have no actual evidence? It's like saying 'I feel like I saw a unicorn' while showing everyone an empty field..
• Headline: Anne's Rum Encounter with Sailors. Impact: Anne’s rum-sipping with sailors could have inspired a new trend in naval attire: pirate chic. Imagine today’s sailors with tricorn hats and eye patches!. Fact: Did you know that sipping rum with sailors was a popular pastime in the 18th century? It's how we got the phrase 'drinking buddies'—or should I say 'rum buddies'?.
• Headline: Jersey Labor Board Names Malkin Executive Secretary. Impact: Malkin's move to become an educational professor could have led to a renaissance in labor relations studies, inspiring a generation of students to think deeply about labor rights—if they actually bothered to show up to class.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more boring than a labor board meeting is probably the syllabus for a graduate class on labor policies?.
• Headline: PSYCHIATRIST URGES U.S. MIGRANT POLICY. Impact: Dr. Coles’ advocacy for a national migrant policy might have inspired future generations of politicians to take actual action on such matters, but we all know that would be too much to ask.. Fact: Did you know that 'virtual peonage' sounds like a trendy new video game? Spoiler alert: nobody wins..
• Headline: Peking Assails Nixon, 'God of Plague and War,' for Trip to 'Conduct Aggressive Activities'. Impact: Peking's public denouncement of Nixon could have triggered a series of unfortunate events that led to a decades-long game of political chess that no one actually wanted to play but everyone was forced to anyway.. Fact: Did you know that calling someone 'God of Plague and War' might be a little harsh? I mean, he was just trying to make diplomatic moves—albeit clumsily..
• Headline: AIR FORCE PUSHES LOCKHEED ACCORD; Renegotiating C-5A Pact -- Plane Held Best Value. Impact: If the Air Force had pushed through the Lockheed accord without revisions, we might have ended up with a fleet of planes that were more 'lemon' than 'legendary,' potentially ending air travel as we know it.. Fact: Did you know that 'ambiguities' in contracts are often synonymous with 'we forgot to read the fine print'?.
• Headline: Tiny Glass Spheres Found in Moon Dust; Scientists Surprised; Glass Spheres in Moon Dust Surprise Scientists. Impact: The discovery of tiny glass spheres in moon dust could have inspired a new age of moon tourism, where patrons collect souvenirs and come back with 'moon rocks' that are actually just overpriced glass.. Fact: Did you know that scientists love surprises? They’re like kids on Christmas morning, except instead of toys, they get tiny glass spheres and existential dread..
• Headline: FRANK LOESSER, COMPOSER, DEAD; ' Guys and Dolls' and 'Most Happy Fella' Among Hits. Impact: Frank Loesser’s death might have sparked a revival of his musicals, leading to an entire generation of theater kids who would one day learn to belt out show tunes in the shower—bless their neighbors.. Fact: Did you know that Frank Loesser was a genius at writing catchy tunes? Too bad he couldn't write a catchy excuse for why he left the world so soon..