JULY 23, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Business Tax Increase Advances in House. Impact: This tax hike eventually led to businesses relocating overseas, sparking a tiny revolution in tax havens that is still thriving today. Rumor has it, some oil companies now operate from secret islands where they host global summits about how to dodge taxes while sipping coconut drinks.. Fact: Did you know that businesses love taxes so much that they sometimes throw parties when they get a break? Just kidding, they hate it. But they do love loopholes!.
• Headline: Kennedys Mourn at Kopechne's Funeral. Impact: The attendance of the Kennedys at this funeral rippled through time, prompting a series of conspiracy theories about the family's supposed curse, which ultimately led to a reality TV show that aired in the 2000s. Who knew death could be so entertaining?. Fact: Funeral attendance is like the original RSVP. You can't just ghost someone when they’re grieving—unless you’re a Kennedy, apparently..
• Headline: Mysterious Disappearance of Young Girl. Impact: This disappearance sparked a nationwide frenzy about child safety, ultimately leading to the creation of countless 'missing children' posters that are still plastered on telephone poles today. Thanks, Buffalo!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more alarming than a missing child is the amount of attention people pay to their pets on social media? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Court Upholds Jersey Crime Inquiry. Impact: This inquiry became a pivotal moment that led to stricter regulations and oversight of organized crime, eventually inspiring TV shows about mobsters that have made us all believe we could be crime bosses too. Spoiler alert: we can't.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more confusing than organized crime is trying to organize your sock drawer? At least the mob has a clear hierarchy..
• Headline: Spain Raises Interest Rate. Impact: This interest rate hike caused a financial ripple effect that left people scrambling for loans, and led to the unforgettable phrase, 'It's not you, it's the interest rates' in romantic breakups.. Fact: Did you know that raising interest rates is like raising a child? It's usually painful at the beginning but might pay off in the long run... unless you screw it up..
• Headline: PRESIDENT ORDERS $3.5-BILLION CUTS AS OUTLAYS GROW; Acts to 'Hold Line' on Rises, Laying Some to Congress -- Defense Trims Seen President Orders $3.5-Billion Cuts to 'Hold Line' on Spending. Impact: These budget cuts set off a chain reaction that led to the phrase 'Let's just cut it' becoming a national mantra. It’s now a beloved slogan for those looking to avoid responsibility.. Fact: Did you know that budget cuts are the grown-up version of saying, 'I can't afford that right now'? Only the government uses it to justify everything from education to candy in vending machines..
• Headline: Collins Asks for It: Dow-Jones Is Down. Impact: This stock market dip caused a collective gasp from investors everywhere, leading to the creation of countless memes about losing money, which somehow made the world a funnier place. Laughing through the pain, folks!. Fact: Did you know that the stock market is like a rollercoaster? Sure, it's thrilling, but you might throw up by the end of the ride..
• Headline: GOVERNOR DEFIED IN CONNECTICUT; Legislature Passes 8 Bills Dempsey Had Vetoed. Impact: This legislative override showed that sometimes the government can actually function independently of the governor, causing a ripple of optimism that was promptly dashed by the next scandal. Hope springs eternal!. Fact: Did you know that a legislative override is like a toddler throwing a tantrum? It might not get you what you want, but it sure makes for a dramatic scene!.
• Headline: Senators Compare Production of ABM With Moon Effort. Impact: Comparing the production of ABM to the moon landing led to the realization that if we can put a man on the moon, we can also spend billions on missile defense systems that might not even work. Truly inspiring!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing scientists have more debates about than moon landings is whether pineapple belongs on pizza? Spoiler: it doesn’t..