JULY 10, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Thai Official Warns of Communist Threat. Impact: The anticipation of communist aggression in Thailand created an insatiable appetite for pineapple pizza in the U.S., as citizens subconsciously linked it to tropical defense strategies. Pizza chains would later thrive in this paranoia.. Fact: The best way to avoid communism? Just eat more pizza. It’s a foolproof strategy, obviously..
• Headline: Arnett's Sentence Reduced: A Case Revisited. Impact: By reducing a deserter's sentence, the military inadvertently started the trend of leniency that would later lead to the establishment of 'get out of jail free' cards in board games. Who knew gaming would become a legal strategy?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing shorter than a soldier’s sentence for desertion is the attention span of Congress when it comes to real issues..
• Headline: President Adamant On Surtax Action Ahead of Reforms; President Insists Surtax Action Should Come Ahead of Reforms. Impact: Nixon's insistence on surtax action before reforms caused a time loop that resulted in every president afterward having to deal with an ever-growing number of tax forms. It’s like a never-ending game of paperwork Jenga.. Fact: Did you know that taxes are like a bad haircut? You can’t escape them, and they just keep getting worse over time..
• Headline: NEUTRAL LANDS BACK HIGH-LEVEL MEETING. Impact: The high-level meeting among neutral lands set the stage for international diplomacy, eventually leading to the creation of the 'World Peacekeeping Association of Awkward Small Talk' in the 21st century.. Fact: Ever notice how high-level meetings often lead to low-level results? Just like ordering a fancy drink and getting a watered-down soda..
• Headline: JUDGE VOIDS CHARGE OF ILLEGAL MEETING. Impact: When the judge voided the charges of illegal assembly, it sparked a nationwide trend of 'assembly-free gatherings' where people just hung out without breaking any laws. This gave birth to the modern-day brunch scene.. Fact: In law, as in life, some assemblies are just better off being voided. Like my last group project in college..
• Headline: Key Voice for the ABM; John Cornelius Stennis. Impact: John Cornelius Stennis's name became the most Googled name in the 'Who is that?' category, eventually leading to a reality show about forgotten politicians. Spoiler: nobody won.. Fact: Did you know that 'John Cornelius Stennis' sounds like a character from a bad sitcom? Because it totally does..
• Headline: 54% IN POLL BACK MRS. NIXON IN ROLE. Impact: Mrs. Nixon's 54% approval rating inadvertently led to a future where reality TV stars would run for office, proving that being a good first lady is just a stepping stone to being a reality TV star.. Fact: Ever wonder how many people approve of a first lady? Well, apparently only 54% care enough to vote on it. The rest just want free White House tours..
• Headline: Labor Official Appointed. Impact: The appointment of J.L. Blake as deputy manpower administrator set off a chain of bureaucratic appointments that would eventually lead to an army of administrative assistants wielding superhuman coffee-making skills.. Fact: Did you know that every deputy manpower administrator is secretly a superhero? Their power? Endless patience and a bottomless supply of sticky notes..